What Do I Have To Show For All This?

A wind of discontent and anger blew in yesterday morning.  I allowed it to swirl around and infect me.  I felt neg.a.tive.  And resentful.  And mean.  I felt the rattlesnake getting ready to strike :).

Without conscious thought, I turned to a coping mechanism I've used my entire marriage to deal with tension and disappointment.  I don't slow down and deal with my emotions.  Rather, I shift into high gear, and I bustle around cleaning, organizing and accomplishing.  Today, this included washing all the shower curtains, which hadn't even been bothering me! 

If I had made a list of what I had accomplished before 9 am this morning, the producers of Extreme Home Makeover may have called and offered me a job for my efficiency.  This work ethic I learned as a kid came in handy in my marriage.  It helped me deal with the instability of living with an addict.

When I work, I feel productive, and that helps me feel more worthwhile.  I grew up with the mistaken notion that I AM WHAT I DO.  When negative feelings surface, I self-soothe with work and accomplishment. 

I come from a great family.  I also come from a very driven, hard-working, achievement-oriented family.  We were expected to do a lot, and we all did.  This pressure was applied with love and the best intentions; however, it was still pressure, and it has caused some cracks in my soul.  I've noticed the cracks in some of my sisters as well.

My accomplishment fallacy has contributed to frustration and discontent in my years as a mom.  There's not much to "show" for an exhausting day taking care of kids.  Sometimes I can let it go, but I often let it overshadow my joy in the small moments.

Currently there is not a lot to "show" for the time I spend working my recovery from the trauma of sexual addiction.  Both mothering and recovering are essential for my salvation.  They are my double-headed focus right now, and they both require loads of work, without any tangible physical evidence of progress.

I am practicing changing my perspective.  I accept that God's love for me is unchanged, regardless of what I accomplish.  But, it's my own love for myself that needs some tweaking.

I tweak by reminding myself of a few things.  I am not what I do.  I am not what I do.  I am valuable as I am.  I am OK to slow down.  I accept and love myself, even if I DO nothing.



I don't want to be a hard-working, self-criticizing shell of a person, with ignored emotions simmering beneath the surface.  I want to be still and know that I am OK being me.











"Many of us create to do lists to remind us of things we want to accomplish. But people rarely have to be lists. Why? To do’s are activities or events that can be checked off the list when done. To be, however, is never done. You can’t earn checkmarks with to be’s. I can take my wife out for a lovely evening this Friday, which is a to do. But being a good husband is not an event; it needs to be part of my nature—my character, or who I am."  Elder Lynn Robbins