Do Compliments From Sex Addicts Count?

After my husband's disclosure I banned him from complimenting me on my appearance until further notice.  This ban is still in place.  I didn't call it a boundary then, but it was one of my first.   In the past he had complimented me on a regular basis, and he had been generally validating of my looks.

But, if a porn addict thinks you look nice, what exactly does that mean?

I was so confused and wracked with trauma.  If his brain teemed with pornographic garbage, and I knew it did, then I didn't want that same brain evaluating my looks, making judgements and generating compliments so I could feel better about myself.  Besides, I didn't trust anything that came out of his addict mouth anyway.

As the months have passed, I have realized how much I leaned on his approval for my self-esteem.  I relied on his validation in an unhealthy way.  This has surprised me, as I believed myself to be both confident and self-accepting.

But, this addiction in my marriage was silently eroding me: my self-esteem was becoming as hollow and empty as my husband's soul.  Neither of us realized what was happening.

It happened just like C.S. Lewis described, "Rats and mice in the basement are doing damage whether or not you know they are there."

I have known intellectually that my worth isn't based on my clothes or my hair or my weight.   God doesn't care about any of this.  But, I have been insecure in my marriage.  For years I felt my husband's love ebb and flow, and there was no constancy.  I blamed this on his depression, because I knew nothing of his addiction, porn or other women.  This insecurity led me to doubt myself, and I see now how desperately I sought approval from him.  It was a normal reaction to the situation, but I can do better now.

With God's help I am learning that I can trust my own sense of self.  I am practicing listening to and respecting my own opinions about me.  If I look in the mirror and something looks weird or too tight or whatever, then I change it.  I don't need to walk around the house taking a survey of popular opinion.  I can practice letting go of my desire to be validated on my physical appearance, especially from Mr.W.

I got my hair cut yesterday.  I went to a new stylist, and I liked what she did.   In the past it has seemed awkward when I saw my husband after a haircut.  Would he even notice?  Would he pay me some flippant compliment?

In my heart I believe that any hairstyle that isn't long and flowing is not beautiful to him.  Long and flowing doesn't work for my hair, but I have nevertheless tried that style a few times over the years.  I am done with that!  My hair is my hair, and I like it how it is.

After all, it is unrealistic to expect our spouse to embody every attractive quality we hold dear.  We are all package deals.  His receding hairline and greying temples are part of his package.

This compliment ban is a good thing.  It is helping me lean on God and His view of me.  Abstinence from compliments has been almost as helpful to my marriage as abstinence from sex, but that's a topic for another day.