Saturday, March 30, 2013

Do Compliments From Sex Addicts Count?



After my husband's disclosure I banned him from complimenting me on my appearance until further notice.  This ban is still in place.  I didn't call it a boundary then, but it was one of my first.   In the past he had complimented me on a regular basis, and he had been generally validating of my looks.

But, if a porn addict thinks you look nice, what exactly does that mean?

I was so confused and wracked with trauma.  If his brain teemed with pornographic garbage, and I knew it did, then I didn't want that same brain evaluating my looks, making judgements and generating compliments so I could feel better about myself.  Besides, I didn't trust anything that came out of his addict mouth anyway.

As the months have passed, I have realized how much I leaned on his approval for my self-esteem.  I relied on his validation in an unhealthy way.  This has surprised me, as I believed myself to be both confident and self-accepting.

But, this addiction in my marriage was silently eroding me: my self-esteem was becoming as hollow and empty as my husband's soul.  Neither of us realized what was happening.

It happened just like C.S. Lewis described, "Rats and mice in the basement are doing damage whether or not you know they are there."

I have known intellectually that my worth isn't based on my clothes or my hair or my weight.   God doesn't care about any of this.  But, I have been insecure in my marriage.  For years I felt my husband's love ebb and flow, and there was no constancy.  I blamed this on his depression, because I knew nothing of his addiction, porn or other women.  This insecurity led me to doubt myself, and I see now how desperately I sought approval from him.  It was a normal reaction to the situation, but I can do better now.

With God's help I am learning that I can trust my own sense of self.  I am practicing listening to and respecting my own opinions about me.  If I look in the mirror and something looks weird or too tight or whatever, then I change it.  I don't need to walk around the house taking a survey of popular opinion.  I can practice letting go of my desire to be validated on my physical appearance, especially from Mr.W.

I got my hair cut yesterday.  I went to a new stylist, and I liked what she did.   In the past it has seemed awkward when I saw my husband after a haircut.  Would he even notice?  Would he pay me some flippant compliment?

In my heart I believe that any hairstyle that isn't long and flowing is not beautiful to him.  Long and flowing doesn't work for my hair, but I have nevertheless tried that style a few times over the years.  I am done with that!  My hair is my hair, and I like it how it is.

After all, it is unrealistic to expect our spouse to embody every attractive quality we hold dear.  We are all package deals.  His receding hairline and greying temples are part of his package.

This compliment ban is a good thing.  It is helping me lean on God and His view of me.  Abstinence from compliments has been almost as helpful to my marriage as abstinence from sex, but that's a topic for another day.





9 comments:

  1. Good Point, I feel the same way! My husband is not allowed to pay any outward appearance compliments to me either...yesterday he complimented me on my work ethic...lol. It has been liberating for me not to seek validation from him!

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    1. You must have a fantastic work ethic :)! I do feel liberated. Thanks!

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  2. I love this idea of doing things that make you feel beautiful and happy based on what you like, rather than trying to always please your husband. I am trying to be more ok with who I am, without worrying what my husband thinks, but I still seek for his validation a lot. I'll have to try this - just go with what I like and if I don't like the way it looks, do something about it rather than asking for outside validation. Intriguing! -MM

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    1. You can try this, MM! Try it, you might like it!

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  3. May I offer an alternative perspective--based on the same premise, however. My husband has never complimented me. He'll say "Oh, you got your hair cut." or "New outfit?" but never, "You look nice." When he was in his brief few months of recovery, he would actually say things that made me feel like he was looking at me for the first time. Not lusting, but appreciating. It was nice not to feel invisible. Now that he is back to his "old" ways, I feel like just another shabby piece of furniture. While I agree that one's sense of self worth should come from within, I still crave the acknowledgement that there is something about me that he finds attractive. A sincere compliment from the heart would be a refreshing welcome!

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    1. I'm glad you posted this. It's good for me to see a different perspective. I wish he would give you a sincere compliment. I am sorry that he's not choosing recovery right now. I am glad you are reaching out, going to meetings and taking care of yourself. I hope your trip was fun.

      PS I think you have a beautiful smile and a great sense of humor.

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  4. I love the rat analogy by C.S. Lewis. I love C.S. Lewis.

    I like this. My husband doesn't dish out the compliments much, unless I fish for them. But there is a woman in my group meeting whose husband is in active addiction, and in the middle of an affair. He comes to meetings with her and always says things like "Hey gorgeous" and it just gives me the creeps.

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  5. I have thought such similar thoughts, this post was like an inside look into my head.
    Thank you!

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  6. At first when I heard you make this a boundary I thought it would hinder my recovery to not hear his affirmations . Not only about my looks , but everything . Now as time goes on I feel so hindered BY his compliments . Every compliment feels so manipulating , makes trust building far worse for me . To put this in as a boundary now is not gonna be easy ! I do agree though , as I seek my own recovery I only want Gods voice in my head ; approving or not . To remove his compliments is a little like de-throning the king and putting in the Lord God . Long overdue.

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