I Missed Him More When He Was A Jerk

My husband is out of town for a few days.  It has taken me a while to pinpoint how I feel about that and why.  Here it is:

I don't miss him.

I don't have negative feelings toward him right now, which is huge.  I have mostly indifference, with a slight positive lean.  I feel peace and relief that he is several states away.  And I do not miss him.  I missed him more when he was a jerk active addict.  (I did not know about sex addiction until his disclosure.  He allowed me to blame it all on depression.)

I recognize some buried expectations inside me:  that I should feel warmer and more loving toward him than I do.   Recovery is changing him into a really nice guy, who seems to genuinely appreciate who I am.  I am grateful he is different, and that he has been consistently different for some time now.  (I feel like if I come out and say exactly how long, it will invoke some sort of curse and kill the whole thing.)

I can also hear the voices of invisible people, including my own mom, saying, "Look how well he is doing, Wildflower!  It's been a while, and you need to get over it."  I will point out that my mom has NOT actually said that, but I feel her general opinions embedded in my psyche.  I know it's not fair to script her like that.

So he is doing well, and it has been a while, and I am grateful to God for making it happen.  When I think about it, I really am so grateful.  But, living with a recovering addict is like learning to live in a foreign country.  It takes time and patience and tolerance.  There is still pain, both old and new.

I am taking my own sweet time in recovery.  I have decided not to shame myself for that.  God doesn't  expect me to run faster than I have strength, in this, as well as in other aspects of my life.

My counselor talks about the analogy of the World Trade Center.  It's like I was in the bombing on 9/11.  Now my office is rebuilt, and I am being asked to go back to work.  But, I can't seem to cross the threshold.  I am looking through the window, and the new decor looks like it could be my style.  I like the colors and the plants are thriving, but I turn around decide to work from home a little longer.

It takes as long as it takes.  Did that come from Rhyll's book?  It takes as long as it takes.

In the book, Out of The Ashes - An LDS Guide To Helping A Betrayed Spouse Heal In The Aftermath Of Sexual Sin, Ruth Davidson says this, "The damage done to innocent parties is far-reaching and is often passed down intergenerationally.  It is a sin difficult to overcome, encompassing a life-changing process that takes years.  Mark Butler [a counselor and author] feels that, in his experience, it takes an average of ten years to heal relationships marred by sexual sin."

There is no fast track to healing from this.  There are no shortcuts.  I am where I am.  I is what I is. :)