Monday, July 8, 2013

Are We Teaching Young Women About A Yellow Brick Road That Does Not Exist?


"Girls, this has been a beautiful program.  I commend the gospel with all of its auxiliaries and the temple to you, but I do not want you to believe for one minute that if you keep all the commandments and live as close to the Lord as you can and do everything right and fight off the entire priests quorum one by one and wait chastely for your missionary to return and pay your tithing and attend your meetings, accept calls from the bishop, and have a temple marriage, I do not want you to believe that bad things will not happen to you. 

And when that happens, I do not want you to say that God was not true.  Or, to say, 'They promised me in Primary, they promised me when I was a Mia Maid, they promised from the pulpit that if I were very, very good, I would be blessed.  But the boy I want doesn't know I exist, or the missionary I've waited for and kept chaste so we both could go to the temple turned out to be a flake,' or far worse things than any of the above.  Sad things—children who are sick or developmentally handicapped, husbands who are not faithful, illnesses that can cripple, or violence, betrayals, hurts, deaths, losses—when those things happen, do not say God is not keeping his promises to me. 

The gospel of Jesus Christ is not insurance against pain.  It is resource in event of pain, and when that 


pain comes (and it will come because we came here on earth to have pain among other things), when it 


comes, rejoice that you have resource to deal with your pain."


Carlfred Broderick, The Uses of Adversity, Ch.12  




I guess I knew difficulties would come to me at some point, but I didn't really know.  What I really knew, because I was taught it repeatedly, was that if I lived righteously and repented when I messed up, that I would avoid a lot of heartache and be happy.   Wickedness never was happiness, so if I wasn't wicked, then I would be happy, right?

For the first half of my life, my experience was congruent with what I learned in church.  I was fortuitous in my birth family and circumstance.  My actions seemed to directly determine my well-being and happiness.  I was voted Most Likely To Succeed when I was 14, and I believed it was pretty likely I would succeed!  After all, how hard could it be to keep going in a good direction?

I entered my marriage with the belief that my worthiness would insulate me; not from physical ailments, sick children, natural disasters or financial troubles, but certainly from grievous sins and their consequences.  Certainly from infidelity and lies.  Certainly from hideous filth and ensnaring addiction.  

I had made calculated, prayerful decisions about my adult life, including whom to marry.  I didn't worry my parents to tears or elope to a Las Vegas wedding chapel.  From all appearances, I was marrying a squeaky clean graduate student that had a great sense of humor.  

Becca, my close friend and mother of five, is mourning her husband's recent suicide.  I am astounded by her goodness and her pure heart.  And yet, her married life has been filled with heartache and troubles.  Heartache and troubles so deep I cannot fathom her pain. 

We don't remember anyone telling us to watch out: that even if we were righteous and made wise decisions, that our lives could derail like a runaway train.  That the actions of our loved ones could be reckless and destructive enough to render our lives unrecognizable.  

Becca and I wonder why, after absorbing a lifetime of gospel lessons and talks, we weren't better prepared for the reality of such emotional pain?





3 comments:

  1. oh I FEEL this post. I so get this. I made very deliberate choices as well and sometimes sit and wonder how I ended up where I am. But, the truth is where I am is not where my husband is because MY choices got me exactly where I wanted to be. HIS choices landed him where HE is. And the choices I make will decide where I end up. Regardless of where HE ends up.

    LOVE this!

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  2. I have wondered about this very thing. I hate the thought of encouraging people to be suspicious of their partners from the start. And yet the shock of discovering things is traumatic too!! I don't know which is more damaging!

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  3. I teach beehives and am the YW second counselor. I think I tell my girls every week that something really hard is going to happen to them, and this is how Christ will help you.they look at me like deer in headlights. I feel a little guilty of robbing them of their dreams of happy ever after. Thanks for helping to remember why I always feel compelled to tell them!. I love that talk, I think it might have been president uchtdorf, about how happily ever after is reserved for the third act, the next life.

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