The past few months my husband has made drastic changes in his recovery situation:
- clinical depression episode x 2 months, lots of sleeping and hopelessness
- stagnant work project
- work shame
- relapsing SA group
- passed 3 yr sobriety mark
- felt he reached a point in recovery that he could relax boundaries
- changed time and content of media boundaries to "use good judgment" and "no inappropriate content"
- claimed he was doing many aspects of recovery "just for me"
- can't tolerate the "imbalance" in our relationship that accountability and checking-in creates
- won't call support people that have more recovery than he does
- refuses to look for a different, hopefully stronger, support group
- won't accept respected and trusted counselor's advice
All of this chaos has terrified me. I leaned heavily on his strict personal rules for himself, and I am unhinged by his casual, prideful attitude and new, relaxed boundaries. At the beginning of his recovery he insisted that he wouldn't get casual, and I feel betrayed again.
I have another chance to learn what feels permanently unlearnable: how to LET GO of the actions of another person that lives in the same house.
To this end I have worked my recovery like a desperate, dying person.
I have vacillated between healthy living and debilitating fear. I have surrendered to God. I have obsessed. I have felt answers from God. I have detached in love. I have detached in hate. I have held my boundary of sleeping apart when I feel victim and pride and hostility from him. I have gone to counseling. I have engaged in dozens of cyclical, frustrating conversations. I have called my sponsor repeatedly. I have practiced letting go, then not letting go, then letting go again.
Today I will work to stay emotionally healthy. I will do less. I will do self care before I jump into mindless tasks that distract me from the real issues. I will give my fear to God and have faith that He will give me peace.
Let not your heart be troubled.