Does Every Guy Relapse At Some Point?

I called a recovery friend a few weeks ago, and we got talking about relapse.  These were my questions for her:


Does every guy relapse at some point?

Do I need to work on accepting the inevitability of relapse?

Relapse is always in the back of my mind.  I wish it weren't, but, oh baby, am I ever afraid of it!   Hopefully someday I will have more faith and trust in God, and I won't fear it so much.


I remember my first 12-step meeting.  I called and asked a close friend (non-recovery) if she would come with me.  We met in a parking lot, and I got in her car, so she could drive the rest of the way.  She handed me a warm mug of something called "Calm" and a brown bag of holistic remedies for nerves, depression, and general trauma.  She drove, listened to me sob, and handed me Kleenex, all at the same time.  This friend loved me, and oh, how I needed that love.

The women at the meeting were welcoming.  They nodded lovingly as I blubbered through my disbelief that I was sitting in a sex addiction support group.  The thing I was most interested to know: How long had it been since their husbands looked at porn?  How were the men actually doing?  Do porn addicts get better?  If so, how long does it take?

I was so naive.  I didn't know that some women work their recoveries for years, regardless of their husband's sobriety.  I had NO idea that my recovery would turn out to be about me.

One woman in particular said she was back at meetings for the second time around, because her husband had relapsed.  Other women nodded compassionately.  This paralyzed me, and I stopped listening.  Do you mean to tell me that I might be in this same Hell a few years from now?  This was already my second gigantic disclosure, and I felt close to death.  I could never survive another one, I thought.

In the past year, as I have worked my recovery, I have heard much about relapse.  Prepare for it.  Of course there will be relapses.  Make your plan.  Set your boundary for when relapse happens.  I supported another friend as she planned her relapse escape. If/when her husband relapses, she will leave town for a few days.  She has forewarned her kids: sometime in the future, mom will be taking
a trip to get away.  They don't know what she is getting away from.

My recovery friend has been in recovery for several years, and so has her husband.  "Does everyone relapse??"  I asked her, scared for the answer.

She told me that.....lean in close....."No, real recovery does not include relapses.  Now, lust slips and slips in honesty are part of the progressive victory over lust, so there will be those.   But, if my husband is relapsing, then he is not recovery."


I am still trying to process this answer.  I have a lot to learn.  I was glad to see Rhyll Croshaw address this question on her website here.  This is her post titled, "Is Relapse An Expected Part of Recovery?"  I learned what a slip, lapse and relapse actually are.  Thank you, Rhyll!

This gives me a lot of hope.  I don't want a future full of painful relapses and lying and disclosures.  If that is "recovery", then I don't want it.  I am also buoyed up by my husband's experience in SA.  He knows real live men who have years and years of sobriety!  People are doing this.  Sex addicts are staying sober and staying in recovery.






P.S.  I know that I cannot control whether or not my husband relapses.  I am trying to let go and let God have this one.