Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Public Places and Staying Peaceful

We recently took a family vacation to some big cities. We did some incredible things, and I am glad we went. If this were a normal blog, I would fill it with pictures of us posing in front of a bunch of famous places. But hey, unless you are on my Christmas card list, you will never see the likes of those.

This blog is about me sorting out what is going on in my head while I am living my life. I don't mind at all should you choose to move on to fluffy travel blogs and skip this laboriously introspective post.

On the trip we were confronted with so many scantily-clad women, inappropriate signs and billboards, etc that it was hard to believe that the world was not, in my grandma's words, going to hell in a ham basket. Talk about perpetual triggers.

I had expected this and I was determined to have fun and keep things light with my husband and kids.   I tried hard to keep up on my recovery work and to be honest with Mr. W about what was going on with me on a daily basis. I did an Ok job at first, but as the trip wore on I grew weary and resentful. It became more difficult to not notice if he was noticing and I allowed him to hijack my "center."

I know that what Mr W does or doesn't do when it comes to lust is his business. Progressively shutting lust out is what he is trying to do for his own soul. It is not about me or how lovable I am, or how veiny my legs are. But somehow this knowledge got lost in my tired brain and the invisible people that live in my head and tell me I'm not good enough woke up and nagged their message.

One night in bed, towards the end of the trip, I broke down and cried silently (we were in the same hotel room with kids). How was I going to deal with this crap for the rest of my life? Huh? Why couldn't I go back to the brain I had before? How could I continue to do the mental work it takes to be with him in public? WAA, WAA, WAA. sniff, sniff, sniff.

I'm back now in a healthier state of mind and a concept I am thinking about lately is the importance of keeping God, not Mr. W in my "center."

What does this mean?  I know my husband is in my center when I am thinking too much about what he's doing or thinking. I become a fierce husband scrutinizer. I had to bold that word because I love it so much :).

Is he resentful?
Did he really contact his sponsor after the lust slip?
He's getting too casual.
How could he be so clueless?
What will he do next?
I wonder what he'd do if this happened...

When Mr. W is in my center I am anxious, skeptical, and reactive. When God is in my center, I am more likely to do things for the right reason. I can (more easily) let go of what others may think and act according to what I believe His will to be. I feel more peace. When God is in my center, I like my husband so much more.

I am sick of hearing and saying that addiction recovery is a journey........Hey, I'm sorry friends, but that's what it is. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, says Lao-tzu. So while I wish I had done some things differently on the trip, I can say that I did OK.

Don't stop now, Wildflower.







2 comments:

  1. Perfect! Just what I needed. I love the word scrutinize too. It is an excellent word. And this reminder about God being our center is just what my heart and mind needed. My center is God. I have to work to keep it that way! I have to remember he is in whom I trust. Certainly not my crazy brain. I remember reading most of the book, The Divine Center, by Stephen Covey. I say most because I rarely finish all of any non-fiction book. I read them in spurts. The principle is one of strength and it takes courage to make God our center!

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  2. I love your thoughts here! And I appreciate you coming to MY rescue when I was triggered similarly.
    The questions you listed -the ones when he's in your center -I feel ya there! So much!

    Great thoughts, great post, great great reminder.
    Thank you!!

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