How Living With A Sex Addict Dad Has Affected My Kids (Part 2)

The inconsistency of addiction has depleted my kids' self-esteem.

Sometimes my husband was Super Dad.  He was involved and attentive.  He was fun and validating.  These were the times that kept me going.  Ok, so he is difficult for me to live with, but look what a great dad he is!

But the addict always showed up, sometimes the very next day, and he was wholly disinterested in the kids.  Work stress was always to blame, but kids don't care why.  All they know is what they feel:  I am a burden not a priority to my dad.  Add to this my own emotional exhaustion and inconsistency as a mom, and this was a confusing and uncertain environment for our kids.  I think it caused them to question their value, and to feel more insecure and anxious about life in general.


When my kids are insecure, they fight a lot more. 

It is normal for children to compete for their parents' attention.  Because our parenting was so affected by the addiction cycle and the pressure it put on me, our attention to our kids was unpredictable and often emotionally distant.  On a regular basis, our kids needed more than we were giving them.  They competed voraciously for attention, and that included lots of problem behavior.


Lust addiction and lies brought a lot of darkness into our home.

"When eternal covenants have been destroyed by a transgressor's choices, dark spirits, or emissaries of Satan, are allowed into a home. The darkness and venom brought in by those evil spirits literally poison the atmosphere of the home, leaving in their wake bitter destruction -- for example, oppressive darkness, overwhelming discouragement, prolonged depression, intense despair, feelings of worthlessness, restless anxiety, confusion, sometimes even temporal or physical afflictions."  Ruth Davidson,  Out of The Ashes.


Resentment is contagious.  Our kids caught it from us.

I resented my husband's selfishness.  I resented that he frequently did whatever he wanted, without a thought as to how it might affect someone else.  I resented that he resisted family dinners, and that he blew off the kids when he wasn't in the mood to be a dad.  I still resent that he resented me. :)

He used loads of resentment against me and others to fuel his addiction.


Addiction caused our lives to be out of control; therefore, we tried to control our kids.

I recognize now how I tried to force them in many things.  For example, if my son's eczema flared up,  and he refused to apply cream, instead of allowing the natural consequences of itching, pain and cracking skin to set in, I would force-apply cream before bedtime.  Sad.

We didn't practice self-acceptance and self-love.  We expected perfection from ourselves and them.

We used manipulation and shame to motivate our kids.

I'm sorry to admit that, Brene Brown, but we did.  Our communication was the Drama Triangle.  We persecuted, rescued and played the victim, over and over again.  Our kids learned this pattern of communication.






I have painted a pretty bad picture here.  Of course, addiction ebbed and flowed, and our parenting likewise ebbed and flowed.   It wasn't terrible every minute of every day; there were still many joyful moments.  But, my husband's sex addiction profoundly affected every person in our family.  Writing this is helps me see that reality.  This wasn't what I wanted for my kids.

"The lotus flower grows out of mud.  The lotus cannot grow on marble.  Suffering is the mud that we use in order to grow the flower of understanding and love."  Thich Nhat Hahn


I have hope that recovery for both my husband and me can infuse our family with love and patience and understanding and vulnerability and humility and more love.   Maybe we will try growing a lotus out of the mud puddle in our front yard.




If you started with this post, you may want to read Part 1 of "How Living With A Sex Addict Dad Has Affected My Kids".
http://bloomwhereplanted.blogspot.com/2013/04/how-living-with-sex-addict-dad-has.html