Newsflash: 98% of U.S. Parents Lie To Their Children

While I was shopping recently, I overheard a mother say to her toy-begging son, "Honey, if I buy you that toy, I will be in sooo much trouble with Santa.  So much trouble with Santa.  I promise."  

Umm...does Santa punish parents? If he did, he should punish us for lying.

Apparently 98% of US parents lie to their children as a way to change their behavior, according to a study that came out in the Journal of International Psychology last January.  The study questioned ~200 parents in both the US and China, and parents are lying to kids in both countries at very high rates (84% of parents in China lie to try to get their kids to behave).

Guess what the number one lie from parents of both countries is?  The parent threatens to leave the child in a public place if he/she refuses to follow the parent, as in, "If you don't come out of the McDonald's ball pit right now, I am leaving without you."  I confess it does sound slightly familiar.

"Instrumental lying" is the term the study used for the parental lies.  The lies are "instruments" of manipulation.  I would say all lies are "instruments of manipulation" in some way.  The lies included the following categories:

1- a lie designed to get the child to behave
"If you don't stop yelling, that lady over there is going to get mad."

2 - a lie to protect a child's feelings
"Your dog went to live on your uncle's farm where it will have more space to run around."

3 -  a lie relating to fantasy characters, also used to encourage good behavior
"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Santa's elves are watching."

I thought it was interesting that "the parents who reported that they were strongly committed to the goal of teaching their children that lying is always wrong were no less likely to have lied to their children than were other parents."  In other words, it's another do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do parenting tactic.  We're pretty good at not practicing what we preach, aren't we?

So, I have questions!!  If most of us parents, at least to some extent, are lying to our children, how does this affect them?  Are they more insecure, more anxious, more distrustful?  How do our lies shape their world view?

I do not think kids believe all that we tell them; I give kids more credit than that.  So then, do they grow up perpetuating the lies they heard as children?  Does it undermine trust in the family?  Do they think our lectures on honesty a joke?

A quote from the article:

If parents are concerned about socializing their children not to tell lies, why do they lie to them? One possible reason is that parents often feel considerable stress about their children's noncompliance, as was suggesed by one parent in the US who explained, "When a parent is going nuts, they will do whateve it takes." Another said, "Most of the lies I've told my children are last resorts and out of despair. If I could get them to do what I'm asking another way, I would."

It's clear how instrumental lies such as, "If you're not quiet, that man over there is going to kick us out", may condition a child to behave well.  However, the behavior is based on external cues, such as someone else's anticipated reaction, in this example, a man's anger.

Doesn't our good behavior, at it's best, stem from us adopting values and developing our own moral compass?  When we act, we learn to listen to our conscience or the Spirit, and we feel positive or negative feelings when our actions either align or disalign with our values.   At our core we know how we should behave, because "the light of Christ is given to every man/woman."  Parental lies and threats are unnecessary if parents are doing their job.

I like the magic of Santa, and he makes a visit here every year (that's another controversial parental lying category :), but I've never been comfortable when I have used an instrumental lie and threatened my kids with a lump of coal.  To me that is a parenting cop out, and yes, I've used it.  I want my kids to develop confidence in their internal, God-given sense of right and wrong and to practice acting on it for their personal peace and happiness.  I want the same thing for myself.

Not because a policeman or an elf or a kidnapper or even an angry God said so.


 

Recovering Addicts Are Also Recovering Liars

When I woke up Saturday morning I found a text on my phone from my husband, who was already at an early morning SA meeting.  He texted that he had lied to me the day before about something.  It wasn't directly related to lust; it had to do with his old habit of sleeping to escape life and then feeling ashamed about it.

I had some conflicting emotions.  I was relieved he hadn't had a lust slip or relapse.  I was glad he was telling me the next day.  I was grateful it had bothered him first thing when he awoke.  These things illustrate that he is progressing in honesty.  These things are considered victories in the recovery world.

But any lie, no matter how small, is a betrayal.  Lies sting.  Lies sting like the time I stepped on a half-dead bee on the kitchen floor.   I will never cease being surprised and hurt when someone lies to me.

The lie triggered me to feel retraumatized.  I had these familiar thoughts:

How could he have acted normal the rest of the night?
Here is a guy trying in recovery, and he STILL can't tell the truth.
What other things has he lied about recently?
How am I ever going to have a decent marriage with him?
I can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth."

Recovering addicts are also recovering liars.  I recognize now how my husband hid behind his addiction, and how he still tries to protect himself with lies.  Lying is the default setting of his broken brain.  It's like his brain says, "Quick, make up something believable, so you will be safe and look good."  

My counselor teaches me that I need to understand that in recovery he has to practice being honest over and over again.  He will often screw it up the first time.  But, it is how he cleans it up the second time that matters.  I hear this, and I don't like it.  I wish I weren't a part of this "practicing."   Can't he just go to a desert and practice and achieve honesty and then come back and have an honest marriage with me?

I don't want to have to go through him lying and then cleaning it up over and over again.

There's also the greater fear that he will stop cleaning it up after he lies, and we will end up where we started.  Like other wives of addicts, I grow tired of the process.  This is where I know I cannot possibly get through this without help from above.

This is where I have to "trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not unto my own understanding.  In all my ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct my paths for good."

I am realizing that in my recovery, I have to practice trusting in the Lord over and over again.  I will often screw it up the first time.  But, it is how I regroup and trust Him again that matters.  

Trusting the Lord for me today means that I will trust the process of recovery.  I will trust that God will help me make important decisions for my life and for my kids' lives.  I trust that no matter what my husband does or doesn't do, I will be OK if I stay close to the Savior.  I can do this today.