Recovering Addicts Are Also Recovering Liars

When I woke up Saturday morning I found a text on my phone from my husband, who was already at an early morning SA meeting.  He texted that he had lied to me the day before about something.  It wasn't directly related to lust; it had to do with his old habit of sleeping to escape life and then feeling ashamed about it.

I had some conflicting emotions.  I was relieved he hadn't had a lust slip or relapse.  I was glad he was telling me the next day.  I was grateful it had bothered him first thing when he awoke.  These things illustrate that he is progressing in honesty.  These things are considered victories in the recovery world.

But any lie, no matter how small, is a betrayal.  Lies sting.  Lies sting like the time I stepped on a half-dead bee on the kitchen floor.   I will never cease being surprised and hurt when someone lies to me.

The lie triggered me to feel retraumatized.  I had these familiar thoughts:

How could he have acted normal the rest of the night?
Here is a guy trying in recovery, and he STILL can't tell the truth.
What other things has he lied about recently?
How am I ever going to have a decent marriage with him?
I can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth."

Recovering addicts are also recovering liars.  I recognize now how my husband hid behind his addiction, and how he still tries to protect himself with lies.  Lying is the default setting of his broken brain.  It's like his brain says, "Quick, make up something believable, so you will be safe and look good."  

My counselor teaches me that I need to understand that in recovery he has to practice being honest over and over again.  He will often screw it up the first time.  But, it is how he cleans it up the second time that matters.  I hear this, and I don't like it.  I wish I weren't a part of this "practicing."   Can't he just go to a desert and practice and achieve honesty and then come back and have an honest marriage with me?

I don't want to have to go through him lying and then cleaning it up over and over again.

There's also the greater fear that he will stop cleaning it up after he lies, and we will end up where we started.  Like other wives of addicts, I grow tired of the process.  This is where I know I cannot possibly get through this without help from above.

This is where I have to "trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not unto my own understanding.  In all my ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct my paths for good."

I am realizing that in my recovery, I have to practice trusting in the Lord over and over again.  I will often screw it up the first time.  But, it is how I regroup and trust Him again that matters.  

Trusting the Lord for me today means that I will trust the process of recovery.  I will trust that God will help me make important decisions for my life and for my kids' lives.  I trust that no matter what my husband does or doesn't do, I will be OK if I stay close to the Savior.  I can do this today.