Umm...does Santa punish parents? If he did, he should punish us for lying.
Apparently 98% of US parents lie to their children as a way to change their behavior, according to a study that came out in the Journal of International Psychology last January. The study questioned ~200 parents in both the US and China, and parents are lying to kids in both countries at very high rates (84% of parents in China lie to try to get their kids to behave).
Guess what the number one lie from parents of both countries is? The parent threatens to leave the child in a public place if he/she refuses to follow the parent, as in, "If you don't come out of the McDonald's ball pit right now, I am leaving without you." I confess it does sound slightly familiar.
"Instrumental lying" is the term the study used for the parental lies. The lies are "instruments" of manipulation. I would say all lies are "instruments of manipulation" in some way. The lies included the following categories:
1- a lie designed to get the child to behave
"If you don't stop yelling, that lady over there is going to get mad."
2 - a lie to protect a child's feelings
"Your dog went to live on your uncle's farm where it will have more space to run around."
3 - a lie relating to fantasy characters, also used to encourage good behavior
"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Santa's elves are watching."
I thought it was interesting that "the parents who reported that they were strongly committed to the goal of teaching their children that lying is always wrong were no less likely to have lied to their children than were other parents." In other words, it's another do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do parenting tactic. We're pretty good at not practicing what we preach, aren't we?
So, I have questions!! If most of us parents, at least to some extent, are lying to our children, how does this affect them? Are they more insecure, more anxious, more distrustful? How do our lies shape their world view?
I do not think kids believe all that we tell them; I give kids more credit than that. So then, do they grow up perpetuating the lies they heard as children? Does it undermine trust in the family? Do they think our lectures on honesty a joke?
A quote from the article:
If parents are concerned about socializing their children not to tell lies, why do they lie to them? One possible reason is that parents often feel considerable stress about their children's noncompliance, as was suggesed by one parent in the US who explained, "When a parent is going nuts, they will do whateve it takes." Another said, "Most of the lies I've told my children are last resorts and out of despair. If I could get them to do what I'm asking another way, I would."
It's clear how instrumental lies such as, "If you're not quiet, that man over there is going to kick us out", may condition a child to behave well. However, the behavior is based on external cues, such as someone else's anticipated reaction, in this example, a man's anger.
Doesn't our good behavior, at it's best, stem from us adopting values and developing our own moral compass? When we act, we learn to listen to our conscience or the Spirit, and we feel positive or negative feelings when our actions either align or disalign with our values. At our core we know how we should behave, because "the light of Christ is given to every man/woman." Parental lies and threats are unnecessary if parents are doing their job.
I like the magic of Santa, and he makes a visit here every year (that's another controversial parental lying category :), but I've never been comfortable when I have used an instrumental lie and threatened my kids with a lump of coal. To me that is a parenting cop out, and yes, I've used it. I want my kids to develop confidence in their internal, God-given sense of right and wrong and to practice acting on it for their personal peace and happiness. I want the same thing for myself.
Not because a policeman or an elf or a kidnapper or even an angry God said so.
Very good point, I had to talk about honesty with my kids a few weeks ago. I try not to lie directly to my kids (I am probably guilty of being too honest with them). BUT I was allowing my kids to witness me telling white lies to other people, (trying to get out of social obligations, I was CONSTANTLY being asked to babysit for extended family on a daily basis, etc.). It was easier for me to make up or exaggerate obligations, than to just tell people no. Imagine my shock when I heard my child do the same thing, to avoid going to a friend's home. I had to admit to my kids that I was a bad example and as a family we are working on being more honest. PS My parents never lied to me, even the Santa question was answered with a question...pretty clever! I have a good example to follow, I just need to try harder to follow it.
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