I am not proud of the fact that a rattlesnake lives inside me. A creature full of poison that strikes when threatened; that's what I am. I am trying to learn new ways of reacting, and the snake lies dormant in there sometimes, but tonight, it came out with a vengeance.
I have mentioned before that one of the boundaries I have set for myself in recovery is, "I will not use anger or busyness to medicate my pain and sadness. I will slow down, figure out what I feel, what I need and communicate that to the proper person." Well, I shattered that boundary in a matter of seconds.
Tonight my husband told me something that hurt me. I felt like I was a fool for staying in this marriage. I felt sad. I wish now I could have recognized how sad I was and taken time to cry or write in my journal. Maybe call a recovery friend or my sponsor.Instead my lower brain activated my fight/flight response, and I lashed out at him with all the venom I had in me. I was far away from my own above boundary. I wasn't true to myself. I don't want to inject poisonous words into the people I love. I wish I hadn't.
I know that for me to stay in the sadness, for me to not get angry, I must have an enormous amount of courage and faith. I need courage, because I am vulnerable to more pain when I am sad. I need courage, because it takes practice for me to change my anger default setting to sadness. I need faith that God will comfort me and fill up my sad heart with love.
When I punish my husband with anger and meanness, I think it is because, deep down, I don't trust that God will take care of me. I don't trust that the Savior's promises are true. Will He really give me His peace, not as the world giveth, if my heart is troubled [sad] or afraid? John 14:22. Will He really make all things right ? My trust in Heavenly Father and Jesus waver, and I feel like I have to handle things on my own.
Sometimes it helps me to write out my prayers. (Abilene did this in the book, The Help, and I've since tried it out a few times.) I am going to bed soon, so here goes.
Please, Heavenly Father, help me feel sadness first, when I am sad. Keep my heart soft and loving. Please forgive me for trying to inflict pain on someone else to make myself feel better. Help me to look to Christ (not my husband or anyone else) for the restitution of wrongs against me. Help my belief in the atonement to get stronger. Help me to eventually feel healed. Help me feel Your peace and love.
Several years ago my sister was bitten by a rattlesnake on her ankle. She was standing outside on a concrete patio, and the snake was in the nearby planter. After an anxiety-ridden and expensive ride in an ambulance to the hospital, the doctors discovered that it was a "dry bite". The fangs had punctured her skin, but they hadn't released any venom.
What if I could get to the point where I am doing dry bites? I start to attack, but I catch myself and no venom leaves my mouth? What if I eventually don't even attack?
This is a good analogy. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Michelle, for commenting. I feel vulnerable posting this, because it reveals some major weaknesses I have.
DeleteGreat analogy...you described my feelings and reactions last week. Thank you for sharing this post!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support! Good to know you can relate.
DeleteI struggle with this same issue, I wish I could take back the poisonous things I have said to the people I love the most!! The fact that you are aware and actively working on this is huge...kudos to you for recognizing it and learning from it!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Zaida. Once those words are out, they are out. My anger is definitely like an addiction for me. I don't want to do it, and yet I do.
ReplyDeleteHi, Wildflower! Great post. I am an addict. My wife has struggled with this. If your husband is like me, there is enough compassion for you to let him get over it. I've learned that when I let her have her say, and take the (usually well deserved) beating like a man, I can look forward to a much happier wife shortly thereafter. I'm not trying to discount your thoughts or ambitions of improving your reactions, just saying that if he's like me, it won't ruin your relationship to let off a little steam now and then. Good luck on your recovery journey!
ReplyDeleteWelcome, Dan. My husband can do a lot to diffuse my anger. When he is not defensive and listens patiently, our "conversation" doesn't escalate. I appreciate that he can absorb my pain. My counselor said that an important part of both of our recoveries is for me to talk about my pain and my husband to practice absorbing it.
DeleteBut, I DO regret when I have said mean things. I always feel the worst when I haven't been kind. I do need to learn healthier ways of communication.
Thanks for reading!
Great post! I love the analogy:) Anger is a big time weakness for me as well. Thanks for your insights! Your plea to Heavenly Father is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sparrow. We can do this one day at a time.
ReplyDeletedry bites. I like that. and I think you will get to that point and even beyond. You're already headed in that direction.
ReplyDelete