Acceptanceland

When my husband disclosed that he was addicted to porn and masturbation, that he hadn't stopped in 1998 like he had insisted for 14 years; I knew in that moment two things.

1.  That my life would never be the same.

2.  That at some point,  for me to feel consistently peaceful and happy,  I would need to forgive him.

Those two things would stand whether or not I left the marriage.

It would be months before I knew the extent of his betrayal to me.  It was porn and masturbation and beyond.  His addiction had raged for almost 3 decades, and his brain was as sick as a dog.  His behavior had escalated to inappropriate relationships with women, some fantasy and some not.  He had lied his way to some pretty impressive church callings.  He had played dumb when our son's addiction became apparent.  He had manipulated me with lies since I had known him.

Before his disclosure, my old life was no picnic.  But it was my life, and I was used to it.  My husband has had chronic depression since childhood.  After his first disclosure of sex addiction and quick "recovery" in 1998, which I wholeheartedly believed, I chalked up all the addict behaviors to mental illness.  So he was withdrawn, disconnected, resentful and unpredictable, but hey, wasn't everyone like that?  I was no picnic of a wife, either.

Despite all of that, I still carry grief about my life never being the same.  I am working my way to acceptance, but sometimes I show up in a black dress at the grave of my old life.  I mourn my carefreeness and my easy laughter.  I mourn the loss of love and respect for my husband.  I mourn my old brain.  My thoughts were free to wander as they pleased, unsupervised.   Now my whole recovery and life revolve around God and me keeping a clamp on my wild and horrible thoughts.

Every day I teeter between rage, depression and acceptance.  I have been playing the game of Candyland for years with my kids.  I picture that in my recovery, I am playing a similar game called Acceptanceland.  The destination is a peaceful place with fluffy clouds, a green meadow and a few wildflowers :).

I wake up some mornings and I am there.  I think accepting thoughts like, "You are going to be OK.  This is the life you have, and it's OK.  This is not want you wanted, but God has not left you alone in this.  Trust that He will be with you all the way.  You can have a better life than before.  You can be happy again.  You can do this today."

When I am in Acceptanceland I taste peace and I want more.  I feel a new and full love from my husband, regardless of what emotion or affection I choose to share.  There is a calm and spirit in our home that has never been there before.  I feel gratitude for the life I have.

Acceptanceland is my own creation, so I sort through the cards.  I take out the rage and depression cards and put them at the bottom of the stack.