It is no exaggeration to say that I was blindsided by my husband's disclosure of his sex addiction in March 2012.
Imagine if someone poked out both of your eyes, blindfolded you, shoved you into the deepest cave on earth, and then threw you into a black hole. That is how in the dark I was about what my husband had been doing our entire marriage. I was clueless. So when a figurative boulder dropped out of that darkness, it flattened me. I never saw it coming.
That was trauma. Trauma (via Webster's) is a psychological shock or severe distress from experiencing a disastrous event outside the range of usual experience.
When the mama of all traumas struck me I had all the symptoms of PTSD. My sense of safety and trust was shattered. I felt helpless, disconnected, crazy, numb, obsessive. I had nightmares and horrible screaming outbursts. My heart thumped out of my chest for weeks, and I was nauseous. Pounds melted off without any effort. I wanted to sleep more than anything, and yet I could not sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. My mind was foggy and concentrating was impossible. I felt so much emotional pain, that I understood, for the first time ever, why one would think about checking out through drugs or suicide.
I do not feel these trauma symptoms on a daily basis anymore. However, I can feel that my brain is not healed. The wound isn't fresh, but it's close to the surface. I don't feel resilient.
Yesterday I was in the city, and I felt the tug of trauma pulling at me. It was a normal Saturday filled with errands, ball games, some work and some fun. But, I was fighting my thoughts.
It has to do with me feeling safe when I am in public with my husband. It has to do with betrayal and infidelity. I have lots of anxiety about my husband compulsively lusting after other real women. It doesn't matter that I have good reason to feel this way. I know this is about my recovery now, not his.
I was repeatedly triggered, and it reminded my brain of all the previous trauma. I found myself involuntarily scanning for the next boulder to drop out of the darkness. My shoulders tightened up and my mood took a dive. I allowed fear to take root.
Help me, God. Help me replace fear with faith. Help me see what is and not what was. You are the only One who can.
I can relate. I was triggered at church yesterday when a young woman lead the music in sacrament wearing an evening gown and showing cleavage. I couldn't sing the hymns. I couldn't even look at her. Worst of all my husband noticed and then kept looking at her.
ReplyDeleteI prayed that she would cover her chest up and luckily she did during the last hymn.
It's tough! I think the only way to get through the triggers is to pray and try to think of them as daughters of God.
Oh, that is terrible, Sparrow! An evening gown with cleavage? please. To think of them as daughters of God is a good thing for me to practice. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI know my husband can do some things to make me feel safer. Like being aware of "triggering" people when I am with him, and specifically looking down or away. My counselor told me i need to communicate with him when I am triggered and he is supposed to say he's sorry and ask me what he could do to make me feel safe. Sometimes there is nothing he can do, because my thoughts are so negative and angry, I don't want him to help me. But, sometimes it works. Dealing with stuff like this is the work of recovery, I think.