Facing Fears Like Eleanor Roosevelt

When I was a kid, I took violin lessons for years, and although I had the desire to play well, I didn't have the desire to practice very much.  I played in a school talent show and a few primary programs.  When I hit high school, my interest waned and my parents let me quit.  My violin sat in a closet of old coats in their house for years.

However, my violin-playing desire festered and nagged, and I determined to take lessons again at some point when I was settled.  For the past decade or so, I have taken lessons on and off, mostly off.  In between babies I started again and played for a while.  I practiced at home, with babies playing at my feet.  It required me to use my brain, and I used it to fill up my need for accomplishment.  On evenings when Mr. W was checked out or depressed, I liked to practice.

But here's the thing: I am terrified to play in public.  I falter and I shake and I tense up.  I crack under pressure.  I sweat like a horse, and I have to wear black shirts.  My self-talk about my playing is cruel.  "You should just quit.  Sell the instrument and try guitar.  It would be easier.  You still play like a 14 yr old.  You're not good enough.  You're not good enough."


But, I am forcing myself to play.  It has become much more about facing my fears and staring down my perfectionism and much less about my actual playing ability.  I am learning that my music can be imperfect and beautiful at the same time -- it doesn't mean that it is, but it is possible. :)  For me that is breaking some new mental ground.

I have some mantras that I repeat to myself before I play.  Side note: I play mostly duets or with quartets or the ward choir.  I would rather walk barefoot on broken glass than play a solo.

"It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful."  

"Wildflower, you will not DIE if you make a mistake."

"This will all be over in __ minutes, and your life will go on."

I repeat the above over and over, and I also say a lot of prayers.  I hope someday I can relax and become less self-absorbed about the performing part.  I've made a little progress in this area, but it's still embarrassing to write all this.

I like this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt,

"You gain strength and courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...You must do the thing you cannot do."

A real musician would likely scoff at my fear of performing, but that's OK.  It seems important somehow that I practice making mistakes and living through the shame.  It seems important that I learn that how I play has NOTHING to do with WHO I AM.  Remember Wildflower, you are not what you do.  You are not what you do.


Last thing:  If playing my violin were only about combating fear and perfectionism I would have tired of it long ago.  The whole truth is: playing songs by myself in my bedroom brings me joy.   These days I need every bit of joy I can squeeze out of life.

Time to rosin up the old bow.