Slogging On After Slips And Lies

I'm sorry to report that things here went downhill rather quickly after our great vacation.

It consisted of multiple days of Mr. W acting detached and broody, and multiple questions from me to the tune of, "What is going on with you?  Did something happen?  Are there things you haven't disclosed to me?  I feel like you are hiding things from me."  And multiple denials from him to the tune of, "No, no, no.  Nothing has happened.  I am just having a tough week."

Until last night.
When he told me what he claims is the truth.  But really, how would I know?  Stuff had happened, and he had lied once again.  And again.  And again.  To my face.   I have boundaries for this kind of thing, and I am holding them, but still....come on!!

I never imagined I would be in a marriage where I didn't trust the guy I chose to marry.  It was unfathomable that a marriage could even survive without trust.  Like a worm caught on the road after the rain has dried, the marriage would shrivel and harden and die.

But, that's not true.  I'm here to say that while I may not like it, I and lots of women I know, are willing to tolerate a trustless marriage (not an abusive marriage) if our spouse is trying to become trustworthy.  Trying being the keyword.

It seems that as much as I value an honest marriage, and as much as I try to hold up my end of that deal, what I value more right now is an intact family.

That is a realization to me as I write this.  As much as I whine about honesty and abhor the lies,  I am choosing to keep my family together while my husband learns and practices recovery from sexual addiction.

Of course it would be a relief if he could go away and come back fixed, but as long as I see that he is willing to do Whatever It Takes to recover, then separation is not the answer for our family right now.

That said, I acknowledge the sheer difficulty of living with multiple addicts that lie.  Like MM says, lies make things muddy and confusing.  I find myself distrusting things my non-addict family members say. My default has always been first to trust, until proven untrustworthy.  I resent that my innate, child-like trust has now been exploited.

Overused Joke:  How do you know if an addict is lying?  His lips are moving.

Thank goodness the Spirit can help me see through the muddiness.

"...for the Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not.  Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be; wherefore, these things are manifested unto us plainly, for the salvation of our souls."   Jacob 4:13

An hour or so before my husband disclosed, I had prayed that I would be able to see things as they really are, and I was able to.  I can see that recovery ain't pretty, and it sure as hell ain't easy.  It's not a smooth yellow brick road to Oz.  But, even among lies and slips and apologies and do-overs and rage and compassion and grief and tears, I am determined to slog on -- at least for today.




But I think I'll let Mr. W sweat it out for a few days before I tell him that.