How It Helps When My Husband Treats My Anger Like A Baby

It took several counselors, four to be exact, to find one I wanted to see for the long haul.  Each one of them offered me some good advice, but it was the expertise specific to sexual addiction that our current counselor has, that we really needed after the initial triage.

After a few visits, one of these former counselors, Dr. A, told me I was the most devastated wife of an addict he has ever seen.  He also told me that I should trust my husband now, because there was never going to be the 100% guarantee of honesty I wanted, so I might as well go for it.  That was the day I left his office in tears, and I never darkened his door again.

Despite all of that, Dr. A did give me this nugget of truth:

"An important part of your healing, Wildflower, is for you to share your pain with your addict husband, and for him to absorb it, without defensiveness or denial or argument."

He warned me that my husband would find this extremely difficult,  so we should start with planned, brief conversations, where I tell him how much he has hurt me, and he practices absorbing and accepting it.

Well, we started in on this process, and I discovered that I could share my pain, but that my anger was so intertwined, that it was most often bitter angrish.  Sometimes my husband could absorb it with humility, and other times, his reactions and words inflicted more pain.   My reactions and words inflicted him with more pain.  There are so many tough, but essential, conversations between husband and wife in sexual addiction recovery.

I still need to share my pain with Mr. W on a regular basis, or it builds up, and I find myself closed off and defensive.  When I can share the Negative with him and he can hear it, I am more inclined to share the Positive with him.  Both are necessary for me to feel emotionally whole in this marriage.

Last week I found myself with a lot of built up resentment against Mr. W.  In an attempt to rid myself of such misery, I decided to share with him some more of my unvarnished, raw angrish.   It was mostly stuff I have told him multiple times before.

We were on a walk at the time, and I half expected him to break into a run and ditch me as I tearily unloaded more and more pain.  But, HE DIDN'T.  He walked beside me and ABSORBED it.  He said things like. "I can see why that is so hard for you.  I wish you didn't have to think about these things, either.  I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused you."

When my husband absorbed my angrish with patience, tenderness and humility, when, in the words of my favorite Buddhist monk, he held my pain like a baby, it really worked!  I calmed down, and my pain was diffused.



So, maybe I am the most devastated wife of an addict someone has ever seen.  Who cares?  I believe even this devastated wife can become undevastated with a lot of work, time and help from God.