Gobstoppers and Lust

Another tough conversation happened in bed late last night.  My husband was sharing some insights into some of his disturbing addict behaviors, and I did not like what I was hearing.  Something inside of me snapped.  

Why, why, why?   Of all the things in the world to talk about, why does it have to be THIS?  The conversation screeched to a halt when I turned my face the wall and hissed, "Please don't ever bring up this topic again.  I can't handle it.  I CANNOT handle it!"  I threw in a few sarcastic, shaming comments to drive the point home.

I turned on the lamp and read something mindless.  That is what I do when my peace is destroyed, my heart is racing, and it's time to sleep.   Books remind me that the world is bigger than the world of the gut-wrenching words I have just heard.

Tough conversations are a gigantic part of recovery.  It's hard for me to accept, that in order for me to heal, I have to hear very difficult things.  It's counterintuitive that the healing process is fraught with more emotional pain.  What's that all about, I ask you?

Coleen Harrison writes about this in her book, From Heartache To Healing. (She was married to a sex addict for 20+ yrs, then divorced.  She remarried a recovering sex addict, and they are working on their marriage one day at a time.)

"They [the addict and their loved one] both have to be willing to go through the painful experience of telling their truth and listening to their spouse's truth.  Otherwise, what they are experiencing with each other might be many things, but it will not be a genuine marriage, a genuine coming together of souls.

As Phil [her second husband] was going through those first slippery years of recovery, I had to accept the unavoidable truth that if either of us refused to hear the other's honest sharing, we weren't really experiencing a true marriage.  How could I say something so extreme?  Because a genuine marriage is based on revealing ourselves--our whole selves, imperfections and all--to each other.  Without such honesty, there is no true intimacy."



I thought about her words all day.  True intimacy is what I have wanted from the beginning.  It's what I still want, more than a dishwasher, or 400-thread count sheets, or a trip to Europe.   

My husband is revealing himself to me layer by layer as he uncovers it himself.  It's like a Gobstopper: as soon as he sucks off one color there is another waiting underneath it.  

Some layers are so raw and have lay buried so long, that he cries like a little boy in the dark.  Some layers are so ugly, I wonder how I ended up with this guy.  Some layers are answers to the questions we have both been asking about him.  I think he is brave.  


I've been feeling for a while that it was time for me to open up another crack of myself to him.  That it was worth a try.  That even though I had fear, the actual emotional risk for me was lower than it had ever been in my marriage.  

My husband's capacity to love me is greater than it has ever been, due to his changing heart and healing brain.  If only my heart hadn't been broken in the process, we would both be on the same page.  Oh well......  

Inspired by Alicia's post yesterday, I girded up the old loins and told him that there were times in our marriage when I had been so dissatisfied, that I had looked at certain men we know and thought, "I want that."  "I bet he would never cheat on his wife.  I wish I had that."  And I told him who they were.  Isn't that a type of lust?  It is definitely coveting.

The latest one was recently when I heard a sex addiction therapist speak.  I found myself thinking, "I wish I was married to him."   In my situation, a compassionate, validating therapist saying exactly what I wanted to hear about my trauma and betrayal was extremely attractive.  Isn't that a type of lust?

This was a tough conversation, and it was my stuff this time.  We both survived, and ya know what?  I felt rigorously honest, and I felt more open to love.  

I can do this, one conversation at a time.   


  

Lying Children and Parenting 505

Today, before I had even taken a shower, I had talked to three women, all of whom have at least one addict child.   One is my son's teacher at school.  I don't know her very well, and she confided in me about her daughter.  I felt surprised that she would be vulnerable with me, and I felt true empathy for her pain and frustration.

Too bad I was still too chicken to say anything about my own addicts.  But, thank you, God, for letting me know that the grass is not always greener in other families.  It's tough all over.


The other two are dear friends, Liza and Becca, who both have addict husbands and addict children.  I have known both of them for years, but we live hundreds of miles from each other, and we hadn't stayed close.  I tear up when I think about how God brought each of them back into my life around the time sexual addiction ripped a hole in all that I hold dear.  

Liza and Becca's presence in my life is one of my greatest testimonies that God has NOT left me alone in this.   I do believe He gives us a way through, and these women, among others, are part of my way through.

Anyway, in the recent past, we have all caught our children in multiple lies.   This is no picnic, and we are struggling with how to handle it.  Here are some things we are doing.

            
 We hold these kids accountable.   We have found that if we let stuff go, and minimize the lying, then we are enabling addict behavior.  The most loving thing we can do is to be tough.  With lots of love, of course.

*One kid is making up crazy amounts of homework he lied about before he can do a climbing competition.
*One kid is writing an original poem and submitting it for no credit to his English teacher (he plagiarized) before he goes out with friends.
*One kid is monetarily compensating his brother for items he took and used without permission.
*One kid is doing extra jobs to compensate his mom for the extra emotional drain.
*One mom is requiring a son to call a scout guy to clarify some of his dishonest answers in an interview before he can get his Eagle.
*One mom is giving her son a week to contact the bishop, and then she will call the bishop and give him a heads up.
*When we allow others (bishops, leaders) to believe things about our kids that we know aren't true, then we are enabling our kids.


What if my kid got good grades and earned his Eagle before the age of 14 and passed the sacrament with good posture and did 300 baptisms for the dead, but he was lying and cheating off and on the whole time?

More than anything I want kids who are honest, humble, accountable and kind.  That is also what I want myself to be.  Honest, humble, accountable and kind.  These qualities take all of us time and practice to develop.  A lot of time and practice messing up and then cleaning it up.

In my quest as a mom to turn out kids that are all these things, am I becoming more honest, humble, accountable and kind?

I like how Elder Lynn Robbins poses this question in the following quote, "Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"

Yes, yes, yes.








"A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself. With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"

Elder Lynn Robbins

Grievous Harms - A fabulous talk!

Last fall I came across this talk, and it is my current favorite on understanding the Atonement.   It was given by James Rasband at a BYU devotional in October.   I have it printed out, and I am just about to read it, so I thought I'd share.  It has really helped me think about forgiveness and restitution in a new way.  


http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=2075

Fighting Porn At The Dentist

I did some porn-fighting at the dentist's office yesterday.  I removed an inappropriate magazine with the caption, "How J-lo got her butt back" and a horrid picture of Jennifer Lopez's backside on the front cover.   I left the building with it tucked under my arm, and I threw it in the recycling bin at the post office.

It was a small action, but it felt good.  I know I am one person, but I can make a difference in this fight against bad stuff.  We all can.

It's like recycling.  It may seem like one family could not make a difference to the earth by throwing some garbage away in a different container.  I know my kids would be relieved if we didn't recycle, but I believe that small efforts over time add up to big results.

I just had a thought:  What if that magazine were recycled into some paper that got sent to school children in poor countries, so they could learn to read and write?  I am subconsciously searching for  metaphors of beauty coming out of ashes. (Isaiah 41).

How It Helps When My Husband Treats My Anger Like A Baby

It took several counselors, four to be exact, to find one I wanted to see for the long haul.  Each one of them offered me some good advice, but it was the expertise specific to sexual addiction that our current counselor has, that we really needed after the initial triage.

After a few visits, one of these former counselors, Dr. A, told me I was the most devastated wife of an addict he has ever seen.  He also told me that I should trust my husband now, because there was never going to be the 100% guarantee of honesty I wanted, so I might as well go for it.  That was the day I left his office in tears, and I never darkened his door again.

Despite all of that, Dr. A did give me this nugget of truth:

"An important part of your healing, Wildflower, is for you to share your pain with your addict husband, and for him to absorb it, without defensiveness or denial or argument."

He warned me that my husband would find this extremely difficult,  so we should start with planned, brief conversations, where I tell him how much he has hurt me, and he practices absorbing and accepting it.

Well, we started in on this process, and I discovered that I could share my pain, but that my anger was so intertwined, that it was most often bitter angrish.  Sometimes my husband could absorb it with humility, and other times, his reactions and words inflicted more pain.   My reactions and words inflicted him with more pain.  There are so many tough, but essential, conversations between husband and wife in sexual addiction recovery.

I still need to share my pain with Mr. W on a regular basis, or it builds up, and I find myself closed off and defensive.  When I can share the Negative with him and he can hear it, I am more inclined to share the Positive with him.  Both are necessary for me to feel emotionally whole in this marriage.

Last week I found myself with a lot of built up resentment against Mr. W.  In an attempt to rid myself of such misery, I decided to share with him some more of my unvarnished, raw angrish.   It was mostly stuff I have told him multiple times before.

We were on a walk at the time, and I half expected him to break into a run and ditch me as I tearily unloaded more and more pain.  But, HE DIDN'T.  He walked beside me and ABSORBED it.  He said things like. "I can see why that is so hard for you.  I wish you didn't have to think about these things, either.  I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused you."

When my husband absorbed my angrish with patience, tenderness and humility, when, in the words of my favorite Buddhist monk, he held my pain like a baby, it really worked!  I calmed down, and my pain was diffused.



So, maybe I am the most devastated wife of an addict someone has ever seen.  Who cares?  I believe even this devastated wife can become undevastated with a lot of work, time and help from God.

Recovering Addicts Are Also Recovering Liars

When I woke up Saturday morning I found a text on my phone from my husband, who was already at an early morning SA meeting.  He texted that he had lied to me the day before about something.  It wasn't directly related to lust; it had to do with his old habit of sleeping to escape life and then feeling ashamed about it.

I had some conflicting emotions.  I was relieved he hadn't had a lust slip or relapse.  I was glad he was telling me the next day.  I was grateful it had bothered him first thing when he awoke.  These things illustrate that he is progressing in honesty.  These things are considered victories in the recovery world.

But any lie, no matter how small, is a betrayal.  Lies sting.  Lies sting like the time I stepped on a half-dead bee on the kitchen floor.   I will never cease being surprised and hurt when someone lies to me.

The lie triggered me to feel retraumatized.  I had these familiar thoughts:

How could he have acted normal the rest of the night?
Here is a guy trying in recovery, and he STILL can't tell the truth.
What other things has he lied about recently?
How am I ever going to have a decent marriage with him?
I can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth."

Recovering addicts are also recovering liars.  I recognize now how my husband hid behind his addiction, and how he still tries to protect himself with lies.  Lying is the default setting of his broken brain.  It's like his brain says, "Quick, make up something believable, so you will be safe and look good."  

My counselor teaches me that I need to understand that in recovery he has to practice being honest over and over again.  He will often screw it up the first time.  But, it is how he cleans it up the second time that matters.  I hear this, and I don't like it.  I wish I weren't a part of this "practicing."   Can't he just go to a desert and practice and achieve honesty and then come back and have an honest marriage with me?

I don't want to have to go through him lying and then cleaning it up over and over again.

There's also the greater fear that he will stop cleaning it up after he lies, and we will end up where we started.  Like other wives of addicts, I grow tired of the process.  This is where I know I cannot possibly get through this without help from above.

This is where I have to "trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not unto my own understanding.  In all my ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct my paths for good."

I am realizing that in my recovery, I have to practice trusting in the Lord over and over again.  I will often screw it up the first time.  But, it is how I regroup and trust Him again that matters.  

Trusting the Lord for me today means that I will trust the process of recovery.  I will trust that God will help me make important decisions for my life and for my kids' lives.  I trust that no matter what my husband does or doesn't do, I will be OK if I stay close to the Savior.  I can do this today.