LIfe Unspools In Cycles

I like reading books by Anne Lamott.  She's sometimes irreverent and her language can be "colorful", but she gets it.  She's had tough times, many that she admits resulted from her own poor choices, and many that did not.  She finds meaning and purpose in the struggle of life. This is from her book Help Thanks Wow.




"Most of us figure out by a certain age--some of us later than others--that life unspools in cycles, some lovely, some painful, but in no predictable order.  So you could have lovely, painful, and painful again, which I think we all agree is not at all fair.  You don't have to like it, and you are always welcome to file a brief with the Complaints Department.  But if you've been around for a while, you know that much of the time, if you are patient and are paying attention, you will see that God will restore what the locusts have taken away."

Buddha's First Noble Truth: Life Is Suffering

This week my eyes have been opened again to the DIFFICULTY of life.  People around me are suffering.  I am suffering.  And although our sufferings are not abject poverty nor hunger, they are real just the same.  This is the suffering list:

My friend died yesterday of cancer.  We watched her undergo great personal pain to try every possible treatment to prolong her life for her children.  She was able to see a son leave on a mission and to catch a few more basketball games, but her kids will face the rest of their lives without her.

On the same day, another friend confided that she is filing for bankruptcy.  Truly one of the hardest workers I know, she has scrimped and tried to stave this off for years.  She is filled with shame.

A friend is adjusting to a new life after her husband's suicide one year ago.  She is grieving, but also trying to help her five children face the grief and make sense of what happened.

Tomorrow a friend is commemorating the tragic death of her husband, who died in an airplane crash one year ago.  He left her with six kids and a house that requires continual maintenance to be livable.

Another friend is going through a prolonged job crisis starting a business.  She and her husband have received numerous confirmations from the Spirit that they are doing the right thing, but they are hitting snag after snag.  They are depleting their savings and questioning their prayerful decision.

I have had a tough week dealing with my husband's depression and possible relapse.  This is the first major depressive episode since recovery, and I watched him recognize it coming on and then NOT do the things he knows will help him.  His actions cause suffering to me and our kids.





I read this week that Buddhism is based on four noble truths.  The first noble truth is:  LIFE IS SUFFERING.

Wow.  It rang true.  Life is difficult.  Wildflower, "Do we have a truth like that in Mormon theology?  Or do we just have "Men are that they might have joy", which doesn't feel true to me today?

More on this later.

My Old Husband Is Resurfacing And I Don't Want Him Back

Today I am living my old life, my pre-recovery life, and I'm ticked off. My new and improved husband of the past twenty months is reverting back to old behaviors such as leaving church early, coming home and going to bed.  Such as telling me he is going to go work out and then sitting around.  Such as acting like a victim of his depression and acting helpless.  Such as disregarding a boundary I've set because, in his words, "You don't care anyway."

I rode out his declining mood and motivation a few days last week and the week before, because he has had some down days in the past months of recovery.  He's had days when it's been difficult to be present and when stress has overwhelmed him; however, due to his drastically changed habits and his changing heart, he was able to rebound fairly quickly.  It has been fantastic to observe him consistently on stronger emotional ground.

The difference now is the old, sulky husband is loitering here, and he is not yet showing signs of bounce-back.  I've been Ok, but today, I got scared and really sad.  I don't want my old life back, and I certainly don't want my old husband back.

But wait a second....even if, because of my husband's behavior, I feel like I am living my old life, I am NOT the same person I was when I lived that life.  I have changed.  I can have a decent day despite his mood, and I did, on Friday and Saturday and half of Sunday  But, today, I cracked. I even cried in Costco.  As the clerk handed me my receipt, she said, "I hope you have a better day."

Even though it wasn't a great day, I did have a better day than I would have pre-recovery.

I got up early and cheerfully got my kids to school.
I went to my exercise class.
I kept the appointments and did the work that I had planned.
I read my scriptures and prayed for guidance.
I called more than one support person and told them what was happening.
I called my sponsor and surrendered the things I cannot change.
I set two new boundaries: I won't go anywhere with him when he's like this. I will sleep downstairs when he's like this.

Yes, I do worry about relapse. Yes, it may have already happened.  It's out of my control, and I have  boundaries for all of that.

My buddy Melody Beattie summed up my plan, "Today, I will trust God and the process, but I will also take action to help myself feel better."

Right now I am taking the action of going to sleep.  Good night.

Are You Sick, Addicted or Depressed?

Right now I want to make a ballot with three possible boxes for my husband to check:

Are you physically sick? _______

Are you depressed? ______

Are you in your addiction?______

Because sometimes it is hard for me to tell.  All three look basically the same around here.

I could ask him, of course, as in have a conversation, but when he's in a state like this, his answers stir up more questions than they answer.  Such as "Do I believe him?" or "I wonder what the real truth is?"


Rebuilding a marriage out of the wreckage of sexual addiction is hands-down the most difficult task I have ever attempted, and today that task is beating me to a pulp.

A close recovery friend often reminds me that, "We are learning a new dance in our marriages, and we are bound to step on each other in the process."   I say AMEN.  We are figuratively stepping all over each other.

Love and Barriers

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