Today I am living my old life, my pre-recovery life, and I'm ticked off. My new and improved husband of the past twenty months is reverting back to old behaviors such as leaving church early, coming home and going to bed. Such as telling me he is going to go work out and then sitting around. Such as acting like a victim of his depression and acting helpless. Such as disregarding a boundary I've set because, in his words, "You don't care anyway."
I rode out his declining mood and motivation a few days last week and the week before, because he has had some down days in the past months of recovery. He's had days when it's been difficult to be present and when stress has overwhelmed him; however, due to his drastically changed habits and his changing heart, he was able to rebound fairly quickly. It has been fantastic to observe him consistently on stronger emotional ground.
The difference now is the old, sulky husband is loitering here, and he is not yet showing signs of bounce-back. I've been Ok, but today, I got scared and really sad. I don't want my old life back, and I certainly don't want my old husband back.
But wait a second....even if, because of my husband's behavior, I feel like I am living my old life, I am NOT the same person I was when I lived that life. I have changed. I can have a decent day despite his mood, and I did, on Friday and Saturday and half of Sunday But, today, I cracked. I even cried in Costco. As the clerk handed me my receipt, she said, "I hope you have a better day."
Even though it wasn't a great day, I did have a better day than I would have pre-recovery.
I got up early and cheerfully got my kids to school.
I went to my exercise class.
I kept the appointments and did the work that I had planned.
I read my scriptures and prayed for guidance.
I called more than one support person and told them what was happening.
I called my sponsor and surrendered the things I cannot change.
I set two new boundaries: I won't go anywhere with him when he's like this. I will sleep downstairs when he's like this.
Yes, I do worry about relapse. Yes, it may have already happened. It's out of my control, and I have boundaries for all of that.
My buddy Melody Beattie summed up my plan, "Today, I will trust God and the process, but I will also take action to help myself feel better."
Right now I am taking the action of going to sleep. Good night.
wildflower, I can relate you you in this. You are an amazing strength, and I admire how even on a rough day, are able to optimistically look forward to the future. I love your rawness and vulnerability on here. Thank you for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteIt hurts to hear about your husband's recovery possibly losing traction, but I loved what you said about YOU being changed! I am so glad you are still finding ways to be happier than you were in the past. Push on!!!!
ReplyDeletei am hear to give testimony of how i got back my husband, we got married for more than 2 years and have gotten two kids. thing were going well with us and we are always happy. until one day my husband started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very confused by the way he treat me and the kids. later that month he did not come again and he called me that he want a divorce, I asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying that he want a divorce and that he hates me and do not want to see me again in his life, i was mad and also frustrated do not know what to do,i was sick for more than 2 weeks because of the divorce. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is incomplete. i told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing. i just
ReplyDeletewant to try if something will come out of it. I contacted DR. omoba for the return of my husband to me, they told me that my husband have been taken by another woman that she cast a spell on him that is why he hates me and also want us to divorce. then they told me that they have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and the kids, they cast the spell and after 3 days my husband called me
and he told me that i should forgive him, he settled to apologize on phone and said that he still love me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that the Dr omoba shrine casted on him that made him comeback to me today,me and my family are now happy again today. thank you DR. omoba for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. i want
you my friends who are passing through this kind of love problem of getting back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact dromobaspellhome@gmail.com and you will see that your problem will be solved.