Confessions Of A Depressed Comic

For a while now I've wanted to do a series of posts on depression.  Happy thoughts, huh?  Up until my mid-20's I had no idea mental illness would be in my future, since it hadn't been in my past.  I bought into all the stigmatizing things people say: about depression being a choice and how taking medicine for mental illness was unnecessary and wrong-headed.

Since then I have lived every day with at least one mentally ill person.  Now I live with several, including the person I see in the mirror every day.  Ms. Experience is the best teacher (albeit the toughest teacher) I have ever had, and she is still teaching me better ways to live with my own depression/anxiety and with that of my family members'.  Having depression has increased my compassion.

The following is a video of an outstanding teen who struggles with depression.  I want to be part of this conversation.








Confessions of a Depressed Comic

Gentle readers, please let me know if this video doesn't work.  It's my first video post.

Newsflash: 98% of U.S. Parents Lie To Their Children

While I was shopping recently, I overheard a mother say to her toy-begging son, "Honey, if I buy you that toy, I will be in sooo much trouble with Santa.  So much trouble with Santa.  I promise."  

Umm...does Santa punish parents? If he did, he should punish us for lying.

Apparently 98% of US parents lie to their children as a way to change their behavior, according to a study that came out in the Journal of International Psychology last January.  The study questioned ~200 parents in both the US and China, and parents are lying to kids in both countries at very high rates (84% of parents in China lie to try to get their kids to behave).

Guess what the number one lie from parents of both countries is?  The parent threatens to leave the child in a public place if he/she refuses to follow the parent, as in, "If you don't come out of the McDonald's ball pit right now, I am leaving without you."  I confess it does sound slightly familiar.

"Instrumental lying" is the term the study used for the parental lies.  The lies are "instruments" of manipulation.  I would say all lies are "instruments of manipulation" in some way.  The lies included the following categories:

1- a lie designed to get the child to behave
"If you don't stop yelling, that lady over there is going to get mad."

2 - a lie to protect a child's feelings
"Your dog went to live on your uncle's farm where it will have more space to run around."

3 -  a lie relating to fantasy characters, also used to encourage good behavior
"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Santa's elves are watching."

I thought it was interesting that "the parents who reported that they were strongly committed to the goal of teaching their children that lying is always wrong were no less likely to have lied to their children than were other parents."  In other words, it's another do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do parenting tactic.  We're pretty good at not practicing what we preach, aren't we?

So, I have questions!!  If most of us parents, at least to some extent, are lying to our children, how does this affect them?  Are they more insecure, more anxious, more distrustful?  How do our lies shape their world view?

I do not think kids believe all that we tell them; I give kids more credit than that.  So then, do they grow up perpetuating the lies they heard as children?  Does it undermine trust in the family?  Do they think our lectures on honesty a joke?

A quote from the article:

If parents are concerned about socializing their children not to tell lies, why do they lie to them? One possible reason is that parents often feel considerable stress about their children's noncompliance, as was suggesed by one parent in the US who explained, "When a parent is going nuts, they will do whateve it takes." Another said, "Most of the lies I've told my children are last resorts and out of despair. If I could get them to do what I'm asking another way, I would."

It's clear how instrumental lies such as, "If you're not quiet, that man over there is going to kick us out", may condition a child to behave well.  However, the behavior is based on external cues, such as someone else's anticipated reaction, in this example, a man's anger.

Doesn't our good behavior, at it's best, stem from us adopting values and developing our own moral compass?  When we act, we learn to listen to our conscience or the Spirit, and we feel positive or negative feelings when our actions either align or disalign with our values.   At our core we know how we should behave, because "the light of Christ is given to every man/woman."  Parental lies and threats are unnecessary if parents are doing their job.

I like the magic of Santa, and he makes a visit here every year (that's another controversial parental lying category :), but I've never been comfortable when I have used an instrumental lie and threatened my kids with a lump of coal.  To me that is a parenting cop out, and yes, I've used it.  I want my kids to develop confidence in their internal, God-given sense of right and wrong and to practice acting on it for their personal peace and happiness.  I want the same thing for myself.

Not because a policeman or an elf or a kidnapper or even an angry God said so.


 

Kids Don't Have To "Catch" Dad Watching Porn To Be Affected

Last week I was out with two "normal" friends, who are not in-the-know about my situation.  The conversation turned to porn, which didn't fluster me like it used to, and Lisa told us of her good friend, an eighteen year old girl, who, when she was ten years old, had gone downstairs in the middle of the night for a drink of water and saw her dad on the computer.  When she snuck up on him to surprise him, she saw that he was watching porn.  She and her dad didn't talk about it for another eight years.

The girl and her dad are now communicating about his addiction, and things are better, but my friend added, "Her brother is sooo messed up, and I'm guessing he also caught his dad looking at porn."  

Say what?

Newsflash here:  KIDS DON'T NEED TO CATCH THEIR DAD LOOKING AT PORN TO BE MESSED UP BY IT.  JUST LIVING WITH AN ADDICT DAD IS ENOUGH TO MESS THEM UP.

One of the most harmful lies addicts tell themselves:  "I'm not hurting anyone but myself."  Yeah, right. 

So how do addict dads mess up their kids?  Here are a few ways:

*Addicts feel intense shame.  
*This shame causes them to isolate themselves from people they love, especially their kids who usually need something.  
*Addicts withdraw emotionally into themselves.  
*Addicts are impatient and selfish and defensive. 
*Addicts have a hard time keeping their word.  
*They let others down when they don't do what they promised.  *Addicts view the world as hostile and other people (even their own children) as enemies.  



As a mom, I am not off the hook: my attitudes and behavior also greatly affect my kids.  None of us lives in a bubble.  Families are as interconnected as jigsaw puzzles.

I had a tough day today, and I was retraumatized, and I went into survival mode with my kids, like just get-through-the-day mode, and that is NOT good parenting.  My kids responded to the tension by trying to stifle their arguments, then a couple of them made my favorite cookies and delivered them to me, and then they ended up fighting like crazy.  I could tell they had no idea how to respond.

I tried to force a fun activity that we had planned earlier, but that no one but me actually wanted to do.  When that didn't work out, I blamed others for my disappointment.  I pouted and allowed myself to be a victim, all of which is not as much fun as it used to be.  

Next time I will go ahead and do what I had planned, even if no one comes with me.  I would've been so much happier.  I confess I still feel selfish thinking about what I actually need.

My prayer tonight is that God's grace will come down and fill in all the empty and painful places in my children's hearts.  And I guess in mine too, and in my husband's.  We all need a transformation over here. 

Brad Wilcox said,"The grace of Christ is sufficient to cover our debt, sufficient to transform us, and sufficient to help us for as long as that transformation process takes......Grace is the presence of God's power."    Ensign, Sept 2013

Questions About "Normal" Sexuality

I know all humans are sexual beings.  It's how we are made.  It's part of God's design.

But I have some questions......umm ......what is normal sexuality and what is addiction mentality?

How does a kid, whose brain is changed by porn before puberty, even have a chance at learning normal sexual attitudes and beliefs?

How can parents (we), whose entire marriage has been laced with sexual addiction, attempt to impart normal sexual attitudes and beliefs to their (our) kids?

I am messed up in this area, and I know it.   This type of messed-up-ness isn't something I want to pass down to my unsuspecting kids, yet I do not have answers to these questions.  

My Neighbor Is A Different Species

Does anyone live next door to someone who is organized, clean, calm, matter-of-fact, non-chaotic and stable?

I do, and when I observe how Justine lives, I feel like a different species.  It's like she is living in air and I am living in water and never the twain shall meet.


School starts pretty soon around here, and tonight I worked hard to get the offspring settled down and into bed earlier than regular summer bedtime.  It didn't work at all, for reasons such as, everyone had to eat three bowls of cereal as soon as bedtime was announced.  I was begged to read books and tell stories about me as a kid, and scratch heads and do treasure hunts on backs.  I didn't do all of these stall tactics, of course, but it wasn't quick.

In contrast, Justine told me a few days ago that for the past few weeks she has been putting her kids (some in middle school!) to bed three minutes earlier every night, so they will be adjusted when school starts.

She said it like it was the easiest thing she had ever done.  See what I mean?  I am a different species, and so are my children.  My kids would have staged a full-fledged mutiny.

I can't even say that her life is simple: she has a difficult special needs son, but boy, does she make it look easy!  She handles him with such tenderness and love it is heart-warming.

Anyway, I realize that Justine and I are each unique and we have different strengths and capacities. Regardless of species, we are both moms and friends doing the best can with what we know.

Little People To Be Unfolded

School shopping with my 12 yr. old today.  He picked out two pairs of fluorescent athletic shoes (one chartreuse), two pairs of bb shorts (one was fluorescent orange) , and four t-shirts (2 were fluorescent green).  Exactly one-half of the purchased items were fluorescent.

His color choices tell a lot about his personality. Half the time he is jostling for my attention.  He is loud.  He is in my face.  He is annoying and teasing and fluorescent in personality.  He's hilarious and infuriating.  He's the child that spit on the cookie dough in this post.

The other half of the time, he wants to blend in with the carpet.  Maybe he wants to be the carpet, so he could just be.  If he were the carpet, he wouldn't have to acknowledge the existence of other humans living in the same house, and he wouldn't have to respond to unwanted requests like, "Will you please take a shower?"

I remember a quote that a friend growing up had posted on her kitchen wall.  "Children are not creatures to be molded, but little people to be unfolded."  


Here's to you, kid, may I love whatever You unfolds.

Lying Children and Parenting 505

Today, before I had even taken a shower, I had talked to three women, all of whom have at least one addict child.   One is my son's teacher at school.  I don't know her very well, and she confided in me about her daughter.  I felt surprised that she would be vulnerable with me, and I felt true empathy for her pain and frustration.

Too bad I was still too chicken to say anything about my own addicts.  But, thank you, God, for letting me know that the grass is not always greener in other families.  It's tough all over.


The other two are dear friends, Liza and Becca, who both have addict husbands and addict children.  I have known both of them for years, but we live hundreds of miles from each other, and we hadn't stayed close.  I tear up when I think about how God brought each of them back into my life around the time sexual addiction ripped a hole in all that I hold dear.  

Liza and Becca's presence in my life is one of my greatest testimonies that God has NOT left me alone in this.   I do believe He gives us a way through, and these women, among others, are part of my way through.

Anyway, in the recent past, we have all caught our children in multiple lies.   This is no picnic, and we are struggling with how to handle it.  Here are some things we are doing.

            
 We hold these kids accountable.   We have found that if we let stuff go, and minimize the lying, then we are enabling addict behavior.  The most loving thing we can do is to be tough.  With lots of love, of course.

*One kid is making up crazy amounts of homework he lied about before he can do a climbing competition.
*One kid is writing an original poem and submitting it for no credit to his English teacher (he plagiarized) before he goes out with friends.
*One kid is monetarily compensating his brother for items he took and used without permission.
*One kid is doing extra jobs to compensate his mom for the extra emotional drain.
*One mom is requiring a son to call a scout guy to clarify some of his dishonest answers in an interview before he can get his Eagle.
*One mom is giving her son a week to contact the bishop, and then she will call the bishop and give him a heads up.
*When we allow others (bishops, leaders) to believe things about our kids that we know aren't true, then we are enabling our kids.


What if my kid got good grades and earned his Eagle before the age of 14 and passed the sacrament with good posture and did 300 baptisms for the dead, but he was lying and cheating off and on the whole time?

More than anything I want kids who are honest, humble, accountable and kind.  That is also what I want myself to be.  Honest, humble, accountable and kind.  These qualities take all of us time and practice to develop.  A lot of time and practice messing up and then cleaning it up.

In my quest as a mom to turn out kids that are all these things, am I becoming more honest, humble, accountable and kind?

I like how Elder Lynn Robbins poses this question in the following quote, "Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"

Yes, yes, yes.








"A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself. With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"

Elder Lynn Robbins

How Living With A Sex Addict Dad Has Affected My Kids (Part 2)

The inconsistency of addiction has depleted my kids' self-esteem.

Sometimes my husband was Super Dad.  He was involved and attentive.  He was fun and validating.  These were the times that kept me going.  Ok, so he is difficult for me to live with, but look what a great dad he is!

But the addict always showed up, sometimes the very next day, and he was wholly disinterested in the kids.  Work stress was always to blame, but kids don't care why.  All they know is what they feel:  I am a burden not a priority to my dad.  Add to this my own emotional exhaustion and inconsistency as a mom, and this was a confusing and uncertain environment for our kids.  I think it caused them to question their value, and to feel more insecure and anxious about life in general.


When my kids are insecure, they fight a lot more. 

It is normal for children to compete for their parents' attention.  Because our parenting was so affected by the addiction cycle and the pressure it put on me, our attention to our kids was unpredictable and often emotionally distant.  On a regular basis, our kids needed more than we were giving them.  They competed voraciously for attention, and that included lots of problem behavior.


Lust addiction and lies brought a lot of darkness into our home.

"When eternal covenants have been destroyed by a transgressor's choices, dark spirits, or emissaries of Satan, are allowed into a home. The darkness and venom brought in by those evil spirits literally poison the atmosphere of the home, leaving in their wake bitter destruction -- for example, oppressive darkness, overwhelming discouragement, prolonged depression, intense despair, feelings of worthlessness, restless anxiety, confusion, sometimes even temporal or physical afflictions."  Ruth Davidson,  Out of The Ashes.


Resentment is contagious.  Our kids caught it from us.

I resented my husband's selfishness.  I resented that he frequently did whatever he wanted, without a thought as to how it might affect someone else.  I resented that he resisted family dinners, and that he blew off the kids when he wasn't in the mood to be a dad.  I still resent that he resented me. :)

He used loads of resentment against me and others to fuel his addiction.


Addiction caused our lives to be out of control; therefore, we tried to control our kids.

I recognize now how I tried to force them in many things.  For example, if my son's eczema flared up,  and he refused to apply cream, instead of allowing the natural consequences of itching, pain and cracking skin to set in, I would force-apply cream before bedtime.  Sad.

We didn't practice self-acceptance and self-love.  We expected perfection from ourselves and them.

We used manipulation and shame to motivate our kids.

I'm sorry to admit that, Brene Brown, but we did.  Our communication was the Drama Triangle.  We persecuted, rescued and played the victim, over and over again.  Our kids learned this pattern of communication.






I have painted a pretty bad picture here.  Of course, addiction ebbed and flowed, and our parenting likewise ebbed and flowed.   It wasn't terrible every minute of every day; there were still many joyful moments.  But, my husband's sex addiction profoundly affected every person in our family.  Writing this is helps me see that reality.  This wasn't what I wanted for my kids.

"The lotus flower grows out of mud.  The lotus cannot grow on marble.  Suffering is the mud that we use in order to grow the flower of understanding and love."  Thich Nhat Hahn


I have hope that recovery for both my husband and me can infuse our family with love and patience and understanding and vulnerability and humility and more love.   Maybe we will try growing a lotus out of the mud puddle in our front yard.




If you started with this post, you may want to read Part 1 of "How Living With A Sex Addict Dad Has Affected My Kids".
http://bloomwhereplanted.blogspot.com/2013/04/how-living-with-sex-addict-dad-has.html

How Living With A Sex Addict Dad Has Affected My Kids (Part 1)

"At least his addiction is coming out now, and not ten years from now, when we have four kids."


I said that sentence over and over to myself.  It was all I had: my ONLY consolation in 1998, when my husband first disclosed to me. I know the date, the day of the week and the exact time of day of his first disclosure.  How sad.

Cute, but not my real kids.

After a few months of counseling and a few bishop's interviews, he pronounced himself "good", and like a fool, I believed him.  It took some years to build back trust, but looking back now, it didn't take much for me to fully recommit to the marriage.   I believed his depression to be the reason for all his lows.  He lied whenever I brought up the topic of porn.

Life was up and down, based on his mood.  There were good times, but there were also times when I felt alone and abandoned. Sometimes he looked at me with love, and sometimes he looked at me with blank indifference, as if he didn't know who I was.

As the years went on, his depression seemed to worsen, even though he had started medication in 2006.  Of course, I had no idea it was his addiction escalating.  His episodes of emotional withdrawl, irritability, impatience, and utter selfishness were lasting longer, sometimes for months.

I remember crying to him on several occasions,  "Your depression is affecting our kids.  It is affecting them."  But, I couldn't put my finger on how.

Now we have four kids, and it hasn't been ten years, but over fifteen.   Our kids are growing up, and I am starting to see more clearly how badly they have been affected.  It is with great personal pain that I say: there is no way my kids can grow up in an addict home and come out unscathed.  

Some things that have affected my kids:

I was over-functioning in our home and family.

Because my husband was inconsistent and couldn't be relied on to follow through, I took on the burden of everything, except his job at work.  I mowed the lawn with the baby (wearing baby earplugs) in a backpack, for hell's sake.  I rescued him in his church callings and community obligations, by making excuses and covering for him.   I felt I had to hold it all together.  This depleted my energy and my emotional reserves.

What was left for my children?  A mom that burned out early in the evening.  A mom with less patience and understanding.   A mom that had difficulty being silly and laughing.  A mom that was exhausted and beaten down.


To be continued in Part 2.

Sugar Cookies Are A Sign

On Sunday I made sugar cookies with Child #4.  He has been asking me for months, and I just couldn't do it.  When it comes to cookies, sugar cookies take extra effort.  I am talking about mixing, forming into a ball, refrigerating, rolling out, making sure they don't bake too dark, making the frosting and frosting.  I have not had the emotional reserve for all that.

Making sugar cookies is a sign that I am no longer in basic survival mode.  I am doing more than microwaving hot dogs for dinner!

Enforcing hard consequences with my kids is another sign that I am no longer in basic survival mode.

These two activities intersected yesterday in the kitchen.  While I was frosting the cookies and marveling that I was enjoying myself and feeling peaceful,  Child #2 approached and tried to engage me in an argument.  The day before, in response to some blatant defiance, I had said,

"If you do that again, tomorrow you will have to....."

Well, he did it again and this was tomorrow and I was sticking to my word.

This made him madder than a chicken.  He hovered around pestering me, crying, and trying to get me to back down.  After a while, when it was clear that I was holding my ground, he came around to where I was rolling out the dough and deliberately coughed on it.  How lovely.  I was furious, but I kept my cool and stuck with the consequence.  Later that day, he did "punish" me by not going to church, but I was able to have a good day, despite all that.

Cookies and consequences are things that have gone by the wayside, as I have focused on doing the bare minimum to hold things together, to hold myself together.  Kids don't need homemade cookies.  Heck, they don't even need cookies, but they do need consequences.  I notice my kids are more secure when I am stronger and hold my boundaries.

I hope that what I am now learning in my recovery can compensate for the survival parenting I have been doing.  I don't want to look back.  Here's to cookies and consequences!