Questions About "Normal" Sexuality

I know all humans are sexual beings.  It's how we are made.  It's part of God's design.

But I have some questions......umm ......what is normal sexuality and what is addiction mentality?

How does a kid, whose brain is changed by porn before puberty, even have a chance at learning normal sexual attitudes and beliefs?

How can parents (we), whose entire marriage has been laced with sexual addiction, attempt to impart normal sexual attitudes and beliefs to their (our) kids?

I am messed up in this area, and I know it.   This type of messed-up-ness isn't something I want to pass down to my unsuspecting kids, yet I do not have answers to these questions.  

I Sortof Got In A Fight With A Stranger At The Park

The men in this photo are much younger than the men in this story.

Now that my blood pressure has returned to normal range, I am reporting that I SORTOF GOT IN A

FIGHT WITH A MAN AT THE TENNIS COURT TONIGHT!

I was at the end of the court with my 9-yr old innocently picking up tennis balls, when we noticed through the chain-link, about ten feet away, a group of decent-looking adults screaming at each other.

My son looked at me wide-eyed and we both smirked at each other like, "Oh, wow!  A fight?!"

From what we could gather, an older couple with two dogs had asked Peter (I learned his name later), a man with one dog, to please walk his dog in the other direction, because one of their dogs wanted to play with his dog.

It sounds benign, right?


Apparently, Peter didn't want to walk his dog in the other direction.  It was his firm position that, "YOU SHOULDN'T BE OUT WITH A DOG YOU CAN'T CONTROL!"

That comment appeared to smack the couple in a vulnerable place and they lashed back with a string of profanity.  It escalated from there into a tennis match of heavy cussing.  I put my hands over my son's ears, then he tried to plug his own ears, then we both gave up, hoping it had blown over.

But, they kept yelling and swearing, and we had front row seats.  After several minutes had passed, and wow, A LOT of bad words can be packed into several minutes, I said weakly, "Hey, there are kids in the vicinity!"


They didn't even glance in our direction.  However, the couple started to walk away,  and I breathed a sigh of relief that it was over.

Just then, the woman flipped around and advised Peter on where to go and what to do when he got there.  Peter shot back a scathing personal insult, that would burn my fingers if I tried to type it.

The insult to his wife caused the man to turn and challenge Peter to a fight.  Peter accepted with a lot of fierce, "COME ON! COME ONS", and he began to tie his dog to a tree to free up his hands.

The woman was now hollering at the top of her lungs, "He's not worth it, honey.  Look at him, he's an old, fat, bald blankety-blank."

Really?  They were going to duke it out right there?  These two old men were getting ready to beat the crap out of each other on this beautiful summer evening?

And then, without even thinking,  I jumped into the fray.  I walked right up to my side of the chain-link and screamed, "SHUT. UP!!!!!!!!!!

And they actually did shut up.  For a few seconds.  The couple turned and left, but Peter charged over to me, "Ma'am, ma'am, I want you to know that if someone is going to be aggressive against me that I will do what I need to to protect myself."

I pointed to my kid as I said, "I don't like the "freakin'" language." (I'm not proud I used the word freakin, but there it is, my friends)  My kid is hearing this whole thing!"

He proceeded to yell at me about how not one cuss word had come out of his mouth.  That he hadn't sworn once, and had I noticed that?  Huh, had I noticed that?

Actually, I had not.  Upon further reflection, I think he may have been correct, but he certainly wasn't right.  If the swearing had indeed come from the others, then he had been just as mean and insulting with non-swear words.  In fact, if I were to crown a winner of meanness in the exchange, it would be him.

He continued to hound me through the chain-link about his innocence, and how PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE OUT WITH A DOG THEY CAN'T CONTROL!!"

How 'bout you, buddy?  YOU SHOULDN'T BE OUT WITH A MOUTH YOU CAN'T CONTROL!  (I thought of this retort later, of course.)




Anyway, was I being courageous and asking for what I need?

Was I establishing a boundary of what I would not listen to in a public place with my kid?

Or was I just another person who shouldn't be out with a mouth she can't control?







P.S.  I did apologize for my outburst five minutes later, and that's how I learned his name is Peter.  He shrugged it off, but said I owed him a beer.  What?  I'm confused.  Was it codependent to apologize?  I feel messed up tonight.

How Living With A Sex Addict Dad Has Affected My Kids (Part 2)

The inconsistency of addiction has depleted my kids' self-esteem.

Sometimes my husband was Super Dad.  He was involved and attentive.  He was fun and validating.  These were the times that kept me going.  Ok, so he is difficult for me to live with, but look what a great dad he is!

But the addict always showed up, sometimes the very next day, and he was wholly disinterested in the kids.  Work stress was always to blame, but kids don't care why.  All they know is what they feel:  I am a burden not a priority to my dad.  Add to this my own emotional exhaustion and inconsistency as a mom, and this was a confusing and uncertain environment for our kids.  I think it caused them to question their value, and to feel more insecure and anxious about life in general.


When my kids are insecure, they fight a lot more. 

It is normal for children to compete for their parents' attention.  Because our parenting was so affected by the addiction cycle and the pressure it put on me, our attention to our kids was unpredictable and often emotionally distant.  On a regular basis, our kids needed more than we were giving them.  They competed voraciously for attention, and that included lots of problem behavior.


Lust addiction and lies brought a lot of darkness into our home.

"When eternal covenants have been destroyed by a transgressor's choices, dark spirits, or emissaries of Satan, are allowed into a home. The darkness and venom brought in by those evil spirits literally poison the atmosphere of the home, leaving in their wake bitter destruction -- for example, oppressive darkness, overwhelming discouragement, prolonged depression, intense despair, feelings of worthlessness, restless anxiety, confusion, sometimes even temporal or physical afflictions."  Ruth Davidson,  Out of The Ashes.


Resentment is contagious.  Our kids caught it from us.

I resented my husband's selfishness.  I resented that he frequently did whatever he wanted, without a thought as to how it might affect someone else.  I resented that he resisted family dinners, and that he blew off the kids when he wasn't in the mood to be a dad.  I still resent that he resented me. :)

He used loads of resentment against me and others to fuel his addiction.


Addiction caused our lives to be out of control; therefore, we tried to control our kids.

I recognize now how I tried to force them in many things.  For example, if my son's eczema flared up,  and he refused to apply cream, instead of allowing the natural consequences of itching, pain and cracking skin to set in, I would force-apply cream before bedtime.  Sad.

We didn't practice self-acceptance and self-love.  We expected perfection from ourselves and them.

We used manipulation and shame to motivate our kids.

I'm sorry to admit that, Brene Brown, but we did.  Our communication was the Drama Triangle.  We persecuted, rescued and played the victim, over and over again.  Our kids learned this pattern of communication.






I have painted a pretty bad picture here.  Of course, addiction ebbed and flowed, and our parenting likewise ebbed and flowed.   It wasn't terrible every minute of every day; there were still many joyful moments.  But, my husband's sex addiction profoundly affected every person in our family.  Writing this is helps me see that reality.  This wasn't what I wanted for my kids.

"The lotus flower grows out of mud.  The lotus cannot grow on marble.  Suffering is the mud that we use in order to grow the flower of understanding and love."  Thich Nhat Hahn


I have hope that recovery for both my husband and me can infuse our family with love and patience and understanding and vulnerability and humility and more love.   Maybe we will try growing a lotus out of the mud puddle in our front yard.




If you started with this post, you may want to read Part 1 of "How Living With A Sex Addict Dad Has Affected My Kids".
http://bloomwhereplanted.blogspot.com/2013/04/how-living-with-sex-addict-dad-has.html

How Living With A Sex Addict Dad Has Affected My Kids (Part 1)

"At least his addiction is coming out now, and not ten years from now, when we have four kids."


I said that sentence over and over to myself.  It was all I had: my ONLY consolation in 1998, when my husband first disclosed to me. I know the date, the day of the week and the exact time of day of his first disclosure.  How sad.

Cute, but not my real kids.

After a few months of counseling and a few bishop's interviews, he pronounced himself "good", and like a fool, I believed him.  It took some years to build back trust, but looking back now, it didn't take much for me to fully recommit to the marriage.   I believed his depression to be the reason for all his lows.  He lied whenever I brought up the topic of porn.

Life was up and down, based on his mood.  There were good times, but there were also times when I felt alone and abandoned. Sometimes he looked at me with love, and sometimes he looked at me with blank indifference, as if he didn't know who I was.

As the years went on, his depression seemed to worsen, even though he had started medication in 2006.  Of course, I had no idea it was his addiction escalating.  His episodes of emotional withdrawl, irritability, impatience, and utter selfishness were lasting longer, sometimes for months.

I remember crying to him on several occasions,  "Your depression is affecting our kids.  It is affecting them."  But, I couldn't put my finger on how.

Now we have four kids, and it hasn't been ten years, but over fifteen.   Our kids are growing up, and I am starting to see more clearly how badly they have been affected.  It is with great personal pain that I say: there is no way my kids can grow up in an addict home and come out unscathed.  

Some things that have affected my kids:

I was over-functioning in our home and family.

Because my husband was inconsistent and couldn't be relied on to follow through, I took on the burden of everything, except his job at work.  I mowed the lawn with the baby (wearing baby earplugs) in a backpack, for hell's sake.  I rescued him in his church callings and community obligations, by making excuses and covering for him.   I felt I had to hold it all together.  This depleted my energy and my emotional reserves.

What was left for my children?  A mom that burned out early in the evening.  A mom with less patience and understanding.   A mom that had difficulty being silly and laughing.  A mom that was exhausted and beaten down.


To be continued in Part 2.