Newsflash: 98% of U.S. Parents Lie To Their Children

While I was shopping recently, I overheard a mother say to her toy-begging son, "Honey, if I buy you that toy, I will be in sooo much trouble with Santa.  So much trouble with Santa.  I promise."  

Umm...does Santa punish parents? If he did, he should punish us for lying.

Apparently 98% of US parents lie to their children as a way to change their behavior, according to a study that came out in the Journal of International Psychology last January.  The study questioned ~200 parents in both the US and China, and parents are lying to kids in both countries at very high rates (84% of parents in China lie to try to get their kids to behave).

Guess what the number one lie from parents of both countries is?  The parent threatens to leave the child in a public place if he/she refuses to follow the parent, as in, "If you don't come out of the McDonald's ball pit right now, I am leaving without you."  I confess it does sound slightly familiar.

"Instrumental lying" is the term the study used for the parental lies.  The lies are "instruments" of manipulation.  I would say all lies are "instruments of manipulation" in some way.  The lies included the following categories:

1- a lie designed to get the child to behave
"If you don't stop yelling, that lady over there is going to get mad."

2 - a lie to protect a child's feelings
"Your dog went to live on your uncle's farm where it will have more space to run around."

3 -  a lie relating to fantasy characters, also used to encourage good behavior
"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Santa's elves are watching."

I thought it was interesting that "the parents who reported that they were strongly committed to the goal of teaching their children that lying is always wrong were no less likely to have lied to their children than were other parents."  In other words, it's another do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do parenting tactic.  We're pretty good at not practicing what we preach, aren't we?

So, I have questions!!  If most of us parents, at least to some extent, are lying to our children, how does this affect them?  Are they more insecure, more anxious, more distrustful?  How do our lies shape their world view?

I do not think kids believe all that we tell them; I give kids more credit than that.  So then, do they grow up perpetuating the lies they heard as children?  Does it undermine trust in the family?  Do they think our lectures on honesty a joke?

A quote from the article:

If parents are concerned about socializing their children not to tell lies, why do they lie to them? One possible reason is that parents often feel considerable stress about their children's noncompliance, as was suggesed by one parent in the US who explained, "When a parent is going nuts, they will do whateve it takes." Another said, "Most of the lies I've told my children are last resorts and out of despair. If I could get them to do what I'm asking another way, I would."

It's clear how instrumental lies such as, "If you're not quiet, that man over there is going to kick us out", may condition a child to behave well.  However, the behavior is based on external cues, such as someone else's anticipated reaction, in this example, a man's anger.

Doesn't our good behavior, at it's best, stem from us adopting values and developing our own moral compass?  When we act, we learn to listen to our conscience or the Spirit, and we feel positive or negative feelings when our actions either align or disalign with our values.   At our core we know how we should behave, because "the light of Christ is given to every man/woman."  Parental lies and threats are unnecessary if parents are doing their job.

I like the magic of Santa, and he makes a visit here every year (that's another controversial parental lying category :), but I've never been comfortable when I have used an instrumental lie and threatened my kids with a lump of coal.  To me that is a parenting cop out, and yes, I've used it.  I want my kids to develop confidence in their internal, God-given sense of right and wrong and to practice acting on it for their personal peace and happiness.  I want the same thing for myself.

Not because a policeman or an elf or a kidnapper or even an angry God said so.


 

Lying Children and Parenting 505

Today, before I had even taken a shower, I had talked to three women, all of whom have at least one addict child.   One is my son's teacher at school.  I don't know her very well, and she confided in me about her daughter.  I felt surprised that she would be vulnerable with me, and I felt true empathy for her pain and frustration.

Too bad I was still too chicken to say anything about my own addicts.  But, thank you, God, for letting me know that the grass is not always greener in other families.  It's tough all over.


The other two are dear friends, Liza and Becca, who both have addict husbands and addict children.  I have known both of them for years, but we live hundreds of miles from each other, and we hadn't stayed close.  I tear up when I think about how God brought each of them back into my life around the time sexual addiction ripped a hole in all that I hold dear.  

Liza and Becca's presence in my life is one of my greatest testimonies that God has NOT left me alone in this.   I do believe He gives us a way through, and these women, among others, are part of my way through.

Anyway, in the recent past, we have all caught our children in multiple lies.   This is no picnic, and we are struggling with how to handle it.  Here are some things we are doing.

            
 We hold these kids accountable.   We have found that if we let stuff go, and minimize the lying, then we are enabling addict behavior.  The most loving thing we can do is to be tough.  With lots of love, of course.

*One kid is making up crazy amounts of homework he lied about before he can do a climbing competition.
*One kid is writing an original poem and submitting it for no credit to his English teacher (he plagiarized) before he goes out with friends.
*One kid is monetarily compensating his brother for items he took and used without permission.
*One kid is doing extra jobs to compensate his mom for the extra emotional drain.
*One mom is requiring a son to call a scout guy to clarify some of his dishonest answers in an interview before he can get his Eagle.
*One mom is giving her son a week to contact the bishop, and then she will call the bishop and give him a heads up.
*When we allow others (bishops, leaders) to believe things about our kids that we know aren't true, then we are enabling our kids.


What if my kid got good grades and earned his Eagle before the age of 14 and passed the sacrament with good posture and did 300 baptisms for the dead, but he was lying and cheating off and on the whole time?

More than anything I want kids who are honest, humble, accountable and kind.  That is also what I want myself to be.  Honest, humble, accountable and kind.  These qualities take all of us time and practice to develop.  A lot of time and practice messing up and then cleaning it up.

In my quest as a mom to turn out kids that are all these things, am I becoming more honest, humble, accountable and kind?

I like how Elder Lynn Robbins poses this question in the following quote, "Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"

Yes, yes, yes.








"A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself. With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"

Elder Lynn Robbins

Recovering Addicts Are Also Recovering Liars

When I woke up Saturday morning I found a text on my phone from my husband, who was already at an early morning SA meeting.  He texted that he had lied to me the day before about something.  It wasn't directly related to lust; it had to do with his old habit of sleeping to escape life and then feeling ashamed about it.

I had some conflicting emotions.  I was relieved he hadn't had a lust slip or relapse.  I was glad he was telling me the next day.  I was grateful it had bothered him first thing when he awoke.  These things illustrate that he is progressing in honesty.  These things are considered victories in the recovery world.

But any lie, no matter how small, is a betrayal.  Lies sting.  Lies sting like the time I stepped on a half-dead bee on the kitchen floor.   I will never cease being surprised and hurt when someone lies to me.

The lie triggered me to feel retraumatized.  I had these familiar thoughts:

How could he have acted normal the rest of the night?
Here is a guy trying in recovery, and he STILL can't tell the truth.
What other things has he lied about recently?
How am I ever going to have a decent marriage with him?
I can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth."

Recovering addicts are also recovering liars.  I recognize now how my husband hid behind his addiction, and how he still tries to protect himself with lies.  Lying is the default setting of his broken brain.  It's like his brain says, "Quick, make up something believable, so you will be safe and look good."  

My counselor teaches me that I need to understand that in recovery he has to practice being honest over and over again.  He will often screw it up the first time.  But, it is how he cleans it up the second time that matters.  I hear this, and I don't like it.  I wish I weren't a part of this "practicing."   Can't he just go to a desert and practice and achieve honesty and then come back and have an honest marriage with me?

I don't want to have to go through him lying and then cleaning it up over and over again.

There's also the greater fear that he will stop cleaning it up after he lies, and we will end up where we started.  Like other wives of addicts, I grow tired of the process.  This is where I know I cannot possibly get through this without help from above.

This is where I have to "trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not unto my own understanding.  In all my ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct my paths for good."

I am realizing that in my recovery, I have to practice trusting in the Lord over and over again.  I will often screw it up the first time.  But, it is how I regroup and trust Him again that matters.  

Trusting the Lord for me today means that I will trust the process of recovery.  I will trust that God will help me make important decisions for my life and for my kids' lives.  I trust that no matter what my husband does or doesn't do, I will be OK if I stay close to the Savior.  I can do this today.

Manipulativeness Bugs Me

Yesterday late afternoon I answered the door to a man named Karl, who said he was in the neighborhood cleaning carpets.

"What room in your home gets the most traffic?  Did you know shampooing carpets with water does not get dirt out.?  I use dry foam, and I will clean one room for free.  I have to clean a certain number of free rooms each day, so it will be helping me fill my quota."

"What's the catch?" I asked, "If I accept the free room, do I have to pay for a minimum number of other rooms to be cleaned?"

"No, this is the way we advertise.  If we do a good job, then when you need your carpets cleaned, we hope you will call us."

He must have seen it in my eyes: that I am a sucker for freebies. Costco samples come to mind.  I said OK, and he planned to be back in a half hour.  It was close to dinner time, and things were becoming chaotic with kids and activities and homework.  Still, my husband and I rushed to move everything but our bed out of the master bedroom.

He showed up and got to work.  It took me about three minutes to realize that he was NOT cleaning my carpets with dry foam.  He wasn't even an actual carpet cleaner, at least not the kind I had in mind.  No, Karl was a Kirby vacuum salesman!

Within minutes of entering my bedroom, he was down on his knees, with knee pads on, mind you, flipping through his binder of Kirby wonderfulness.  He hooked up his  Bionic SuperKirby (cost: $2600), and he vacuumed my bedroom.  Then he showed me how much dirt it had sucked up.  I admit the dirt was impressive: Kirbys are not shabby vacuums.

But, Karl, buddy, YOU MANIPULATED ME!  

After years of living with addicts, who are, by nature, Master Manipulators, my manipulation radar is extremely sensitized.  The manipulation siren in my head screamed at me.  I had that old, familiar feeling of being managed by someone against my will or even my knowledge.  I felt like my dog who gets excited when he sees me come outside in my running gear.  He thinks we're going on a run.  But sometimes, I drive away to meet a friend to run, and he is left bewildered in the driveway.  

So, I can be manipulated, but I can also manipulate, and either way, I am left with a bad taste in my mouth.

More on manipulation coming up in the future.  This is a huge trigger topic for me.  I have some thoughts, but they need a little more marination.  As for now, I am going out for a run with my dog.