A Brain Full Of Jelly Bellies And An iPhone In The Toilet

A few days ago I had a day where the gaping jaws of hell were out to get my family, or at least it felt like it.

It was primarily about one of my sons and the shocking impulsivity of his teenage brain, which appears to contain nothing but jelly bellies.  As I was reeling from some of his decisions, I began to mentally ask myself two questions:

"What are the worst case scenarios that could happen to him if he continues on this crooked path?"

"Could I handle them if they happened?"

I mentally listed out some miserable places I could imagine him winding up (I am NOT talking about not making the honor roll here), and I discovered, that even though I would cry buckets of tears, because I really, really love this kid, I can accept where his choices could lead him.

I have to have hope that God is watching over him, and that this life is long, and that it's never too late for anyone to change.  I have to have faith that the Atonement of Christ will enable all of us to do what we could never do on our own.  Without all that....well, I got nuthin.

Except.....a working iPhone!  It dropped into the toilet on this same atrocious day.  Dropped with a splash and a scream of horror.  And I thought, "Of course.  Of course this would happen today.  How could it not?"

But when I touched the screen, it lit up! After a thorough Clorox wipe down, the phone is even better (cleaner) than it was before.  I choose to believe it was a little gift from God, letting me know He's there and reminding me that although things could always get worse, they could also get better.

Kids Don't Have To "Catch" Dad Watching Porn To Be Affected

Last week I was out with two "normal" friends, who are not in-the-know about my situation.  The conversation turned to porn, which didn't fluster me like it used to, and Lisa told us of her good friend, an eighteen year old girl, who, when she was ten years old, had gone downstairs in the middle of the night for a drink of water and saw her dad on the computer.  When she snuck up on him to surprise him, she saw that he was watching porn.  She and her dad didn't talk about it for another eight years.

The girl and her dad are now communicating about his addiction, and things are better, but my friend added, "Her brother is sooo messed up, and I'm guessing he also caught his dad looking at porn."  

Say what?

Newsflash here:  KIDS DON'T NEED TO CATCH THEIR DAD LOOKING AT PORN TO BE MESSED UP BY IT.  JUST LIVING WITH AN ADDICT DAD IS ENOUGH TO MESS THEM UP.

One of the most harmful lies addicts tell themselves:  "I'm not hurting anyone but myself."  Yeah, right. 

So how do addict dads mess up their kids?  Here are a few ways:

*Addicts feel intense shame.  
*This shame causes them to isolate themselves from people they love, especially their kids who usually need something.  
*Addicts withdraw emotionally into themselves.  
*Addicts are impatient and selfish and defensive. 
*Addicts have a hard time keeping their word.  
*They let others down when they don't do what they promised.  *Addicts view the world as hostile and other people (even their own children) as enemies.  



As a mom, I am not off the hook: my attitudes and behavior also greatly affect my kids.  None of us lives in a bubble.  Families are as interconnected as jigsaw puzzles.

I had a tough day today, and I was retraumatized, and I went into survival mode with my kids, like just get-through-the-day mode, and that is NOT good parenting.  My kids responded to the tension by trying to stifle their arguments, then a couple of them made my favorite cookies and delivered them to me, and then they ended up fighting like crazy.  I could tell they had no idea how to respond.

I tried to force a fun activity that we had planned earlier, but that no one but me actually wanted to do.  When that didn't work out, I blamed others for my disappointment.  I pouted and allowed myself to be a victim, all of which is not as much fun as it used to be.  

Next time I will go ahead and do what I had planned, even if no one comes with me.  I would've been so much happier.  I confess I still feel selfish thinking about what I actually need.

My prayer tonight is that God's grace will come down and fill in all the empty and painful places in my children's hearts.  And I guess in mine too, and in my husband's.  We all need a transformation over here. 

Brad Wilcox said,"The grace of Christ is sufficient to cover our debt, sufficient to transform us, and sufficient to help us for as long as that transformation process takes......Grace is the presence of God's power."    Ensign, Sept 2013

Triumphal Entry

Years ago my husband and I were on a vacation in Mexico.  We were walking from our hotel through the city to find a grocery store, because I'm frugal, and I like to buy food at grocery stores and not eat out every meal. :)   We noticed that the street was littered with palm fronds.  We followed this trail of palm fronds to a church.  The doors were open and we heard singing.  We thought about what day it was, and we realized that it was Palm Sunday.  We don't speak enough Spanish to really know what had happened, but we imagined that they had reenacted the Savior's triumphal entry into Jerusalem on the Sunday before He died.

My life's experiences have broken my heart.  I never wanted a broken heart, but now that I have one, I can at least try to keep it soft.  A soft heart is not my natural tendency.   I am letting Christ enter my life and my heart in much greater measure than I ever have.

Could I call that Christ's triumphal entry into my life?  Yes, because I need Christ to heal my broken heart through the atonement.  It's that simple.

Without using the atonement, I may become wiser and more educated about addiction.  I may learn how to set and hold boundaries.  I may do counseling, read books, talk to my sponsor and go to meetings.  But, ultimately, only God and Christ can make me whole again.  Only God and Christ can keep my heart soft and forgiving.  I do not have that power.


Isaiah describes Christ's mission: (Isaiah 61:1-3)

"to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;...to comfort all that mourn; to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness."

Happy Palm Sunday!