More On The Nonexistent Yellow Brick Road To Bliss

In my last post, I confessed I had long operated under this false belief: if I were righteous then I would automatically be happy.  It seemed a reliable formula: my keeping the rules would directly sway the Powers That Be to shield me from life's pitfalls.  Mental illness and sexual addiction in people I love has ripped this untrue notion from my psyche.

Where did this belief of mine originate?

I believe my misunderstanding comes from two sources.

#1    Because The Ideal is largely what is preached in church settings, I was taught and I understood gospel principles in an over-simplified way.

#2    Because The Ideal is largely what is preached in church settings, those whose lives don't fit the Ideal feel alone or unworthy.  I believe this shame led people I knew to hide their hardships, sometimes behind a perfect, cheery facade.  I was naive to the real difficulties good people were facing, and I was content to be ignorant.

Some examples of oversimplified principles:

"If you choose the right (as if there were only one "right"), then you will be happy."
"If you marry in the temple, you've made it.  You will live happily ever after."
"If you marry a returned missionary, you are getting the cream of the crop of worthiness."
"If you don't smoke, you will walk and not be weary and you won't get lung cancer."

While all of the above scenarios could come to pass, they are not automatic if/then situations.  A plus B does not automatically equal C.  Real life does not follow any mathematical formula; real life has a formula all its own.  That formula is mess and chaos and surprise and good and bad all at the same time.


**Maybe we could talk about how we can choose the "right" for ourselves by making prayerful decisions, but that good decisions do not predict an easier earth life.  Unforeseen pain and darkness will most likely still visit us.

Why?  Because of the natural laws of mortality.  We are subject to any number of maladies just by existing.  Our bodies and minds are corruptible and aging.  We are subject to the effects of others' actions.  If someone drinks and drives, for example, we may be the casualty of their decision.

Why?  Because we live in families, we are especially prone to the good and bad consequences of each member's decisions.  It's like Herman Melville wrote, "We cannot live only for ourselves.  A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men."

**Maybe we could talk about how marrying in the temple is not a free pass to a blissful life.  A counselor once told me that while Mormons have lower divorce rates than the national average, in his experience, Mormons do not have better marriages.  He believed that perhaps the temple marriage label acted like a sort of glue to keep a quarreling, unhappily married couple together.

**Maybe we could talk about how tough marriage can be and why.  I remember hearing how important it was to communicate, but not how to do it. We talk far more about the style of wedding dress than we do about the realities of married life.

**Maybe we could talk about how returned missionaries are just guys that may or may not be spiritual or worthy or good husbands.   The RM label can be so bright and glaring, that we fail to ask deeper questions and see incongruencies in their behavior.  My husband hid years of addiction behind his RM image.

**Maybe we could talk about how men, who don't go on missions, may be equally kind or loving or close to God.  But they may be struggling with mental illness or any number of factors that prevent them from serving.

**Maybe we could talk about how we can choose not to smoke, but that there are people with lung cancer that have never touched tobacco.  This could happen to any of us.



I wish I had been given a bigger dose of reality in church lessons and talks when I was growing up.  I do wonder if perhaps I did not have the ears to hear this stuff then.  But I'm listening now, and in gospel circles, I'm not hearing much about the nitty gritty trials that I and my loved ones face.  I wish that more people had talked about the tough things in their lives; about how things hadn't worked out as they planned or wanted.

While I understand that we need to see the Ideal as an example and something to aspire to, as near as I can tell, NO ONE HAS THE IDEAL.  Gospel principles cannot be boiled down to a sterile if/then formula.  People and lives are messy, and yet we show up with our masks on and pretend they're not.  We pretend to have The Ideal.





Next post I want to talk more about why, in gospel circles, we tend to keep our troubles hidden deep in our hearts.

And yes, I realize that I am a hypocrite anonymous blogger, wanting more open discussion of difficult things, while simultaneously hiding behind the name of a flower.  Thanks for reading, gentle reader.