Resetting A Sobriety Date

I've been away from the blogosphere for a couple of months, and some tough things, as well as some good things, have been happening.

My son's addiction is careening out of control, and I don't think he is anywhere close to hitting rock bottom or desiring recovery.  More on that happy topic later.

Mr. W has spent the last few months working his recovery at an unprecedented lower and more passive level.  I've sensed that he hasn't been doing everything it takes to stay in recovery, but he hasn't been acting like a monster or anything.

He's had a low grade slide back to some old behaviors like being home but not present, like harboring resentments, like letting stress build up without telling anyone about it, like blaming me for not accepting him, like surfing the internet mindlessly while doing other things.

It had been a subtle regression, until last week, when he slid down to a new level.  He did something that would have appalled him a year ago, even though he didn't actually look at official porn or masturbate.  Then he lied about it for a day before disclosing it to me.  I was shocked and called it a relapse.  He called it a slip.

But what really scared me was not what it was, slip or relapse.  What really scared me was that he didn't think it was a big deal.  He "didn't want to skewer himself for something that wasn't that bad".  He didn't feel the need to recommit himself or step up his recovery efforts or call other addicts for support.  No, he was doing fine.


Fortunately we have an excellent counselor, who told him that couldn't see things clearly because he was in addict mode and in the mists of darkness that surround addicts not in recovery.

The counselor told him that he should (among other things) reset his sobriety date, and I watched him bristle at the idea, because he has a lot of pride wrapped up in his sobriety.  

Then she asked, "What is a sobriety date for, if it's not to be helpful?  If you give yourself a pass on behavior like that, in the future you will go again to that place, because you didn't give yourself a consequence. Sobriety dates only mean something if you are being rigorously honest with yourself."

The recovery journey continues.  I've stopped expecting it to be easy.  Recovery can be more difficult than denial in a lot of ways.