Another Chance to Learn What Feels Unlearnable

I woke up very early this morning, not because my alarm went off, but because the anxiety in my body thrust through the thin layer of sleep and howled. The fear hollowed out my stomach, accelerated my heart and tensed up my neck and shoulders. Hello, Saturday morning.

The past few months my husband has made drastic changes in his recovery situation:

• clinical depression episode x 2 months, lots of sleeping and hopelessness
• stagnant work project
• work shame
• relapsing SA group
• passed 3 yr sobriety mark
• felt he reached a point in recovery that he could relax boundaries
• changed time and content of media boundaries to "use good judgment" and "no inappropriate content"
• claimed he was doing many aspects of recovery "just for me"
• can't tolerate the "imbalance" in our relationship that accountability and checking-in creates
• won't call support people that have more recovery than he does
• refuses to look for a different, hopefully stronger, support group
• won't accept respected and trusted counselor's advice

All of this chaos has terrified me. I leaned heavily on his strict personal rules for himself, and I am unhinged by his casual, prideful attitude and new, relaxed boundaries. At the beginning of his recovery he insisted that he wouldn't get casual, and I feel betrayed again.

I have another chance to learn what feels permanently unlearnable: how to LET GO of the actions of another person that lives in the same house.

To this end I have worked my recovery like a desperate, dying person.

I have vacillated between healthy living and debilitating fear. I have surrendered to God. I have obsessed. I have felt answers from God. I have detached in love. I have detached in hate. I have held my boundary of sleeping apart when I feel victim and pride and hostility from him. I have gone to counseling. I have engaged in dozens of cyclical, frustrating conversations. I have called my sponsor repeatedly. I have practiced letting go, then not letting go, then letting go again.

Today I will work to stay emotionally healthy. I will do less. I will do self care before I jump into mindless tasks that distract me from the real issues. I will give my fear to God and have faith that He will give me peace.

Let not your heart be troubled.