Last fall my husband got a new sponsor, C, who has a lot of sobriety and experience. They had regular contact, and Mr.W was newly motivated to dive back into the 12 Steps. (I will add that we have been at recovery for almost 2 yrs).
I didn't know that C believes very strongly that, "Your wife doesn't need to know your crap. You don't need to bother her with your lust triggers and slips and difficulties. It's your addiction, not hers. You call your sponsor and discuss things. Leave your wife out of the muck." In other words, "Let your wife go merrily about her business with no knowledge of how you are really doing with your addiction. She will be happier that way."
Mr.W's brain rejoiced at that advice! What a huge relief! Rigorous honesty didn't seem necessary with me, because, he determined, "I didn't need it", and besides, daily accountability to me was too difficult. He felt shame, and it seemed our marriage only focused on his weaknesses.
So without letting me know that he was changing the rules of our marriage, Mr.W. began to omit information about his addiction during our nightly check-in, which, mind you, was purposely set up to be an avenue for increasing transparency and hopefully trust through honest disclosure.
This went on for several months. I had no idea.
Terrorism and boa constrictors scare me, but what I fear most is ignorance of my own life. And here I was, going about my life---again, with my husband playing God and deciding what was or wasn't good for me to know. I was ignorant of my own life.
I found out about this a few months in after a counseling appt, when my husband reported to me that he had discussed his new philosophy of nondisclosure with our counselor, and she had agreed with him. SAY WHAT? Your new philosophy?? What in the hell are you talking about?
Note: He later admitted that he had only given our counselor part of the facts, because he wanted her validation to soothe his guilt.
I know there are various opinions on disclosure in a marriage with a sex addict, but I HAVE ONLY ONE OPINION ON THE TOPIC:
Rigorous honesty is crucial for establishing safety in my marriage.
The ongoing truth about my husband's behavior is important for me to know, so I can make wise decisions for me and my kids.
Yes, I will hear things that make me sad, angry or both, and it is my choice as to the level of detail I need to feel safe.
But, how can love ever grow if there is no safety?
How can there be safety if there is no transparency?
Even ugly truth is better than lies.
