Out of the Mud Puddle

A year ago I lay in a puddle of mud.  Face down.  I had known for a year that my young teenage son was looking at porn whenever the opportunity presented itself, even though he didn't want to.  My husband of 15 years had just disclosed to me that he hadn't actually stopped looking at porn in 1997 after all.

I stayed in that puddle of mud for months.  I learned horrible things about my husband and my marriage.  I sobbed, screamed, obsessed, and cursed.  I thought about all the things I didn't want: I didn't want to be married to an addict.  And I didn't want to be the mom of an addict.  Since I knew I couldn't change either of those things, then I didn't want my life.

Months passed and with help from God and other people and with lots of work on my part, too, I began to haul myself out of the mud.  I decided there were some things I do want.

1)  I want to be free of bitterness and anger.  I know this involves forgiveness at some point.

2)  I want to feel God's influence in my life on a regular basis.  The casual relationship I have had with Him is not going to cut it anymore.

3)  I want to look deep into myself and see Who I Am.  I want to accept and love whatever I discover.

4)  I want to make wise decisions for myself and my kids, regardless of my husband's choices.

 I want to work toward these things.  So, I am lurching forward out of the mud one day at a time.