Manipulativeness Bugs Me

Yesterday late afternoon I answered the door to a man named Karl, who said he was in the neighborhood cleaning carpets.

"What room in your home gets the most traffic?  Did you know shampooing carpets with water does not get dirt out.?  I use dry foam, and I will clean one room for free.  I have to clean a certain number of free rooms each day, so it will be helping me fill my quota."

"What's the catch?" I asked, "If I accept the free room, do I have to pay for a minimum number of other rooms to be cleaned?"

"No, this is the way we advertise.  If we do a good job, then when you need your carpets cleaned, we hope you will call us."

He must have seen it in my eyes: that I am a sucker for freebies. Costco samples come to mind.  I said OK, and he planned to be back in a half hour.  It was close to dinner time, and things were becoming chaotic with kids and activities and homework.  Still, my husband and I rushed to move everything but our bed out of the master bedroom.

He showed up and got to work.  It took me about three minutes to realize that he was NOT cleaning my carpets with dry foam.  He wasn't even an actual carpet cleaner, at least not the kind I had in mind.  No, Karl was a Kirby vacuum salesman!

Within minutes of entering my bedroom, he was down on his knees, with knee pads on, mind you, flipping through his binder of Kirby wonderfulness.  He hooked up his  Bionic SuperKirby (cost: $2600), and he vacuumed my bedroom.  Then he showed me how much dirt it had sucked up.  I admit the dirt was impressive: Kirbys are not shabby vacuums.

But, Karl, buddy, YOU MANIPULATED ME!  

After years of living with addicts, who are, by nature, Master Manipulators, my manipulation radar is extremely sensitized.  The manipulation siren in my head screamed at me.  I had that old, familiar feeling of being managed by someone against my will or even my knowledge.  I felt like my dog who gets excited when he sees me come outside in my running gear.  He thinks we're going on a run.  But sometimes, I drive away to meet a friend to run, and he is left bewildered in the driveway.  

So, I can be manipulated, but I can also manipulate, and either way, I am left with a bad taste in my mouth.

More on manipulation coming up in the future.  This is a huge trigger topic for me.  I have some thoughts, but they need a little more marination.  As for now, I am going out for a run with my dog.  

Out of the Mud Puddle

A year ago I lay in a puddle of mud.  Face down.  I had known for a year that my young teenage son was looking at porn whenever the opportunity presented itself, even though he didn't want to.  My husband of 15 years had just disclosed to me that he hadn't actually stopped looking at porn in 1997 after all.

I stayed in that puddle of mud for months.  I learned horrible things about my husband and my marriage.  I sobbed, screamed, obsessed, and cursed.  I thought about all the things I didn't want: I didn't want to be married to an addict.  And I didn't want to be the mom of an addict.  Since I knew I couldn't change either of those things, then I didn't want my life.

Months passed and with help from God and other people and with lots of work on my part, too, I began to haul myself out of the mud.  I decided there were some things I do want.

1)  I want to be free of bitterness and anger.  I know this involves forgiveness at some point.

2)  I want to feel God's influence in my life on a regular basis.  The casual relationship I have had with Him is not going to cut it anymore.

3)  I want to look deep into myself and see Who I Am.  I want to accept and love whatever I discover.

4)  I want to make wise decisions for myself and my kids, regardless of my husband's choices.

 I want to work toward these things.  So, I am lurching forward out of the mud one day at a time.