A Pleasure Working With My Son?

Last week I visited my son #1, who has been working as a camp counselor all summer.  His hair was long enough to French braid, and he had a disgusting condition called, "trench foot", an apparent job hazard of camp counseling.  Despite that, a cloud of pride and love and emotion and heartbreak welled up inside me when I saw him.

I'm ashamed to say that I employed pushy mom tactics last fall to get him to apply for the job, but I felt in my heart that God was sanctioning this experience. That it would be better than anything else he could do this summer.   And it was.  He learned a lot about a lot of things, most of them essential to his future success, but too boring to mention here.

I had a shock when I met his supervisor.  She said, "It's been a pleasure working with your son."

"WHAT? It has?"  (I seriously said this.)

When I met the director later, he gushed, "He has done a phenomenal job up here this summer.  We would love to have him back next year."

To be clear, he does not want to go back, but I liked those words of praise so much, I recorded them in my brain and hit the repeat button.

It's just that I haven't heard or been able to see very many positive things about #1 in the last few years.
I realized he is progressing in many areas.  I lose sight of the person he is, because his addiction is such a monster.  It's hard for me to see around it.

He also loses sight of the person he is.  This summer job magnified all the good he has inside him.  And this kid has a lot of good inside him!  I pray that God will help keep my eyes open to his goodness.

I drove home several hours by myself in the dark, dodging deer in the headlights, and munching peanut M & M's.  I shed some tears as I thought about my son: how much I love him and how little I understand him.

I watched "A River Runs Through It" a few days ago.   In the movie there's a son that everyone loves, but no one understands.  This line stuck out to me, "We can love completely, without complete understanding."

I don't know how to do this.  Any thoughts?

My Love Faileth

This picture somehow makes me want to throw up.

I'm reading about the attachment theory of love.  For several months, I have been bewildered and somewhat ashamed about my lack of loving feelings toward Mr. W.  I mean, I was wholeheartedly in love with the guy when I married him, so why is my love now so conditional?   What about true charity that never faileth?

The attachment theory of love is shedding some light on why I feel the way I do.

Attachment theory views emotional bonds and emotional responsiveness as the basis for love and loving. We have an inborn need for safe emotional connection and when we don't get it, the human brain hits the panic button and all hell breaks loose.

"Distressed partners may use different words but they are always asking the same basic questions, 'Are you there for me?  Do I matter to you?  Will you come when I need you, when I call?'  Love is the best survival mechanism there is, and to feel suddenly emotionally cut off from a partner, disconnected, is terrifying.  We have to reconnect, to speak our needs in a way that moves our partner to respond.  This longing for emotional connection with those nearest us is the emotional priority, overshadowing even the drive for food or sex.  The drama of love is all about this hunger for safe emotional connection, a survival imperative we experience from the cradle to the grave.  Loving connection is the only safety nature ever offers us."  

Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight, pg 47


This resonates with my innards.  If the drama of love is indeed all about this "hunger for safe emotional connection",  then that explains why my love-well for my husband runneth low at times.

For my entire marriage I hungered for this emotional safety.  I had had good attachments as a kid, so I knew what that felt like.  When Mr. W and I were connected, I was able to give and receive love, when we were disconnected,  I COULD NOT DO EITHER.   A sort of panic ensued inside me.

Solid love couldn't  exist when our emotional bonds were fraying and inconsistent.  The addiction cycle kept our love, not just our connection, in a constant state of flux.  As Sue Johnson explains, I was, in all different ways, asking him, "Are you there for me?"  And when he didn't reassure me, my brain careened into primal panic mode, because I, like every human, am wired for connection.


Therefore, what happened to our love when Mr. W dropped his A-bomb in 2012 should not surprise me.  Our flimsy but well-intentioned emotional bonds were instantaneously demolished.   Who am I kidding, I was also pretty much demolished!   When the dust settled, I was holding commitment, responsibility and very little love.  Now I understand why.


Attachment theory also explains why addiction in a marriage results in less love in the relationship.  Yeah, lust and love can't coexist, but it's more than that.  Attachment theory would say that addiction and the associated emotional disconnection are what make it impossible for the addict to truly love their family; because the basis of love is emotional connection, not attraction, not loyalty, not commitment, but emotional connection.

So, that's as far as I am in the book.  Good stuff.  Thank you, Dr. Sue Johnson, this has been my least expensive therapy session ever.

If I Love Life, Will Life Love Me Back?

The other day I walked into Old Navy and saw a t-shirt that said, "Love Life and Life Will Love You Back."

I did a little laugh-scoff under my breath.  Pffffff.  I squinted my eyes and thought, "So, if I just love life, it will love me back?  So....that's what I need to do?  Thank you, O wise Old Navy."  I considered buying it to wear as a joke.

If only it were that simple.

The truth is: I could love life with all my heart and life may not love me back.  By this I mean that I could embrace life with love and positive energy and hugs, and life may still bring me cancer, addiction, premature death, depression, chronically ill children, sexual abuse, herpes, bankruptcy, malaria, chronic fatigue syndrome, you name it.  


Loving life sounds like a great idea.  I'm on board with that in theory.  What troubles me, however, is loving my own life.

Before I can love my life, I have to accept it.  This includes accepting some radical new ideas.  These are a few examples:

**I do not trust my husband, but I can still live with him if he is working recovery.
**My relatively straight path and my prayerful choices in life's big decisions have not spared me from excruciating heartache.
**Sex addiction, in some form, will be a part of my life forever.
**My job is to be in charge of myself and let others run their own lives.

Last fall I heard a woman, I'll call her Angelica :), a wife of an addict, who had been in recovery for years, share her story.  She said a turning point in her recovery came when she knew that she was exactly where God wanted her to be.  Now that sounds like acceptance.  She accepted that God was in charge, and there was meaning to her suffering.

Months ago, when I heard her say this, I thought to myself, "There is NO way God wants me to be where I am.  I am so miserable.  I don't deserve this.  My husband has screwed up my life."

But as time passes, and my faith grows, I find myself inching closer to that view.  Am I exactly where God wants me to be?  I don't feel that for certain.

I CAN say this though, "What I got is what I got, and I know God knows about it."

I'd like to see Old Navy print that on a t-shirt.