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| This picture somehow makes me want to throw up. |
I'm reading about the attachment theory of love. For several months, I have been bewildered and somewhat ashamed about my lack of loving feelings toward Mr. W. I mean, I was wholeheartedly in love with the guy when I married him, so why is my love now so conditional? What about true charity that never faileth?
The attachment theory of love is shedding some light on why I feel the way I do.
Attachment theory views emotional bonds and emotional responsiveness as the basis for love and loving. We have an inborn need for safe emotional connection and when we don't get it, the human brain hits the panic button and all hell breaks loose.
"Distressed partners may use different words but they are always asking the same basic questions, 'Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Will you come when I need you, when I call?' Love is the best survival mechanism there is, and to feel suddenly emotionally cut off from a partner, disconnected, is terrifying. We have to reconnect, to speak our needs in a way that moves our partner to respond. This longing for emotional connection with those nearest us is the emotional priority, overshadowing even the drive for food or sex. The drama of love is all about this hunger for safe emotional connection, a survival imperative we experience from the cradle to the grave. Loving connection is the only safety nature ever offers us."
Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight, pg 47
This resonates with my innards. If the drama of love is indeed all about this "hunger for safe emotional connection", then that explains why my love-well for my husband runneth low at times.
For my entire marriage I hungered for this emotional safety. I had had good attachments as a kid, so I knew what that felt like. When Mr. W and I were connected, I was able to give and receive love, when we were disconnected, I COULD NOT DO EITHER. A sort of panic ensued inside me.
Solid love couldn't exist when our emotional bonds were fraying and inconsistent. The addiction cycle kept our love, not just our connection, in a constant state of flux. As Sue Johnson explains, I was, in all different ways, asking him, "Are you there for me?" And when he didn't reassure me, my brain careened into primal panic mode, because I, like every human, am wired for connection.
Therefore, what happened to our love when Mr. W dropped his A-bomb in 2012 should not surprise me. Our flimsy but well-intentioned emotional bonds were instantaneously demolished. Who am I kidding, I was also pretty much demolished! When the dust settled, I was holding commitment, responsibility and very little love. Now I understand why.
Attachment theory also explains why addiction in a marriage results in less love in the relationship. Yeah, lust and love can't coexist, but it's more than that. Attachment theory would say that addiction and the associated emotional disconnection are what make it impossible for the addict to truly love their family; because the basis of love is emotional connection, not attraction, not loyalty, not commitment, but emotional connection.
So, that's as far as I am in the book. Good stuff. Thank you, Dr. Sue Johnson, this has been my least expensive therapy session ever.
