Whiney Wildflower is out tonight, so be warned.
Today sucks. I feel like I have been swimming in rough seas for an interminable time, and I am ready for a rescue helicopter to appear and airlift me to a tropical paradise, where addictions and predatory mammals have never set foot.
I feel hopeless about my son's addiction. I feel depleted from managing my own hair-trigger emotions and trying to allow others theirs. I'm tired of feeling threatened by any human with breasts and hips.
Today my marriage requires more effort than I want to expend. This week some members of my husband's family are coming to stay with us. It's hard to entertain when life is so volatile, and I'm anxious that I can't pull it off warmly and generously.
I know others have it far, far worse. But, can I please have a tantrum on the kitchen floor anyway? Imagine me face down with my fists pounding the ground and my legs kicking wildly. We need to be able to act like two-yr olds sometimes, right? Wives and moms of addicts don't get that luxury very often.
I don't want to do this anymore. I want to be done with this crap.
Of course I know that it matters not what I want. Not really. I get what I get in this life and I can throw a fit or not, but eventually I have to accept WHAT I HAVE. Oh well, tonight I am throwing a fit.
I have had moments like this more times than I can count with my stuff (health stuff, family stuff, my own mental illness stuff...just the STUFF that is so exhausting). I take comfort in the fact that even the Savior of the World wanted His cup to pass. It's not a sin to really want to not have to walk the path you are walking. I think as mortals, sometimes we just have to grieve, too.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok to not want to be walking this path. It's hard. It hurts. Your pain is real. I firmly believe God will turn this pain to your good and the good of many others, but that doesn't change the fact that it hurts, and I'm sorry.
Sending love and prayers your way.
"It's ok to not want to be walking this path." Thanks, Michelle. It's possible that most of humanity is not OK with the path they have been given.
DeleteI'm so sorry!!! I'll throw a fit with you! And we can go smash plates or blow up coke bottles or make CO2 bombs or whatever else would relieve some of that pent up tension and anxiety. And then we could go get pedicures and have a spa day and watch the sun set.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and imagining a day of self care for you....
Sorry!! I am having one of those downer days, too! I need a good scream. I wish all of us WOPA's could escape the craziness and go to a tropical island. I need a vacation!
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers coming your way:)
Good luck with your company! I hosted a family gathering last week and found myself staying busy simply because I felt so drained and empty inside. I didn't have it in me, to pretend! I hope you find ways to take breaks and don't feel guilty about doing some takeout! Praying for you and hoping you do get a vacation of sorts from this craziness!
ReplyDelete:( So sorry for you. Dealing with family is so triggery for me. I totally hear you on the difficult situation you're in.
ReplyDeleteYou have earned your breakdown! Screaming with the car windows up is cathartic. Smashing things works wonders. I just talked with a recovery friend who is planning to buy old computers at the thrift store so she can smash them to smithereens.(Preferable to smashing the $3000 computer that her husband uses so irresponsibly). She might even find a nice cliff to throw them off of. So, give yourself permission to express your inner 2 year old. Then give her a hug and tell her she is awesome. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteWOW!! I should have tantrums and write about them more often. Thanks, everyone, for all the feedback. I feel much better.
ReplyDelete